


Do You Think You Can Help?

by one_hell_of_an_otaku



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Abuse, Connie is remembered sometimes, Cutting, Highschool AU, M/M, Mentions of Eren and Mikasa, Nightmares, Self Harm, So yeah, Starvation, Suicide, Suicide Attempts, Triggers, expect that, ill add more tags and characters as i go, okay this is discontinued so yeah, u shouldnt even bother reading this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-08
Updated: 2014-04-15
Packaged: 2017-12-28 19:24:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 38,739
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/995604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/one_hell_of_an_otaku/pseuds/one_hell_of_an_otaku
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Armin is just a shy, lonely kid who just so happens to be depressed and suicidal as fuck.<br/>Jean just happens to be a jock who sees Armin being depressed, hurt, and sad.</p><p>Does Jean really think he can fix something that's already broken?</p><p>-not finished; discontinued-</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> I always see these fics about a depressed Marco with a helpful Jean, but what about Armin? I love him so yeah
> 
> This is basically a fic for me to vent okay so yeah  
> p.s. sorry if this sucks /.\

“How much money do you have for us today, Arlert?” Stupid jocks. They always do this. They only take things and they never give in return. I hate them. 

“Huh? How much did your old man give you?” Their words are so annoying. Can’t they see that I’ve had enough of them? Why don’t they just go away? Well, of course I know the answer, but still. Why won’t they find somebody else every once in a while? Why do they have to pick on the sad, lonely kid? Why me? Out of 700 other juniors, they just had to pick me. Life is cruel, don’t you think?

“I only have five dollars,” I mumbled.

“Only five? Pathetic. And here we thought you were our buddy.” I don’t even know who is saying what, but they all sound the same anyways.

I felt the air get sucked out of my lungs, and my back flared with pain. They threw me against the cold, hard, brick wall and stood in front of my face. They. Those stupid jocks don’t need names. They will always be known as _they._ “Whatever, just give it to me,” one of them said. I forced my arm to move and dug around in my pocket, handing him the money. When he received it, he flashed a smile. “Thanks, Arlert. You’re such a good friend. We’ll be back tomorrow!”

And with that said, they walked away to the football field. I was lying in the back of the school building, so I was both safe and in danger. Safe because nobody could see me like this. In danger because somebody could come over here and beat up some more. I guess I better get up.

I stood up from the floor and held myself up against the walls. It reminds me of what they used to do. They used to call me names and beat me up, and when they were done, they would take my money. They would hit me so bad I needed help standing. They would say things like, “you stupid heretic!” or “fucking nerd” or sometimes even “why don’t you just go and die like the rest of your friends?” Now they only take my money and rough me up a bit.

It’s true; my friends are dead. It was a quick, painless death though. There wasn’t any agonizing pain or anything. Well, for me there was. 

My two childhood friends died in a car crash about five months ago, two months before school started. Eren and Mikasa were with their family driving in a car, going school shopping. (Why they went school shopping that early is still a mystery to me). I had called Eren’s phone and was telling him some stuff, when I suddenly heard cries, screams, and the screeching of tires. Then, the line went dead. I soon discovered that the Jaeger family had died on impact with a head-to-head collision with a semi. 

I had blamed myself for it all. His mother was driving, and whenever she drives, she needs complete silence or else she can’t focus on the road. If I hadn’t called Eren, his mother wouldn’t have been distracted, and they wouldn’t have died. It was all my fault. I killed my two best friends and their parents. I’m a murderer.

I soon fell into a pit of depression, and eventually, I started self harm. I can save that story for later, but right now, I should get home. I have to get away from everybody.


	2. If Only Life Was Easy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Armin deals with some... unsightly thoughts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter might be a little more trigger-y, so read at your own risk guys! That goes with this whole, story, okay.

I closed my door quietly, as not to wake my sleeping Grandfather. He always takes naps while I’m at school, and sometimes they last the whole day, so I always have to be quiet.

I turned the lock and heard a click before I walked over to the desk I had in my room. My room was pretty clean, actually. I’m an organized person. I have bunk beds in my room, (because I used to share this room with Eren when he came over,) I have a desk that has some school books on it, and I have a bookshelf that holds all of my other non-school related books. Not to mention my closet, hamper, dresser, and other normal furniture. Everything is organized, the beds are always made, and it’s always clean.

I sort of developed a thing for being neat and organized after the accident with Eren and Mikasa. I hated the thought that their bodies were splattered everywhere, organs not where they belong. I hated it all. So, I kind of got into having everything where it should be. I’m not a clean freak, like I don’t always have Lysol on me, it’s just that I just don’t like for anything to be out of place. Like me.

I’m definitely out of place. I’m just a nerd who’s only good for being a punching bag for other people. I’m not special. I’m just a coward. I’m a weak, useless, pathetic fool. I shouldn’t be contaminating the earth with my existence. I shouldn’t be alive right now. I should’ve died a long time ago. Why didn’t I? Because I failed. I even failed at killing myself. How stupid, right? I can’t do anything right.

While those thoughts were still fresh in my mind, I opened the drawer in my dresser and rummaged around before finding what I was looking for. Blades. Razors.Lighters. Pieces of Glass. I had a whole assortment of tools to use, so I was never bored of using the same thing every day.

I moved my things around before finally settling on a blade I had bought earlier today. My Grandfather had given me ten dollars, but I ended up wasting five of them. It was worth it, though. The blade was shiny, and it was new, unlike all of my other ones. This one had a sort of gleam to it that made me want to stare at it all day long. But, it’s not only good for staring. In fact, it’s pretty rude to stare, don’t you think? Maybe I should stop and get to business.

I walked over to my bed, blade in hand, and took the red towel out from behind my pillow. The towel was originally a light blue, but my blood stains soon dyed it a dark crimson color.

I sat down on my bed and placed the towel in my lap. I was wearing another white, long sleeve shirt today under my light blue sweater vest. It had a logo of a girl's face with a crown on it, and the principal says her name is Maria. Hence the school name, Maria High.

I took my sweater vest off and laid it next to me along with my white shirt. Next thing I knew, I had already brought my hand up and sliced my skin. Thank goodness I didn’t do it very hard, considering new blades were always sharper and more effective. I stared at my arm, watching the blood rise up in little droplets. I picked my hand up again and sliced my arm a couple of centimeters below the one I just did. This time, the blood pooled around the wound faster and there was also more crimson liquid everywhere. I brought my hand up a third time and mutilated myself, yet another time, in between the other two I just did.

I ended up slicing too deep, and too slowly, so this cut was bigger and deeper than the ones I already had. In fact, it was deeper than any other cut I’ve ever done in the past nine months. My blood rose up instantly, and it leaked down my arm, onto the towel in my lap. The already red towel darkened, and I didn’t know what to do. I finally decided that I needed stitches when the two flaps of skin on my arm didn’t close together. Thankfully, when I was in middle school, I went to a summer school that focuses on just about anything and everything medical. 

I wrapped the towel around my arm, walked over to my dresser, and opened the drawer, taking my first aid kit out. I brought it back to my bed and laid my hand in my lap. With my right hand, I removed things from the little white box and pulled out my needle and thread thing. I already had the thread in the needle, so I quickly sewed my wound closed and put my supplies away. Including my blade. That’s enough for tonight. I don’t think I want to risk cutting too deep.

After I put everything away, I climbed up the ladder to the top bunk and blindly wiggled my hands under the pillow before finding the gauze I keep there. I sat on the bottom bunk and wrapped my arm in it. I put it back and looked at my phone, which was lying on the bed next to me. It was 5:36, which meant dinner would begin in a couple of minutes.

Dinner means food and food means staying alive. Maybe I should tell Grandpa that I ate on the way home. He believes me when I tell him that. Yeah, maybe I should. I put my white shirt back on, and as if on cue, I heard a knock at the door.

“Armin,” I heard a shaky voice say. “Are you in there?” 

“Uh, yeah, Grandpa,” I called out. “I’m in here.” I walked over to the door, unlocked it, and opened it with a smile plastered on my face.

“Oh, good,” he said. I saw the edges of his lips tug up a bit, and his eyes definitely looked happy, too. “Are you hungry? I made steamed vegetables and mashed potatoes.” Grandpa makes the weirdest food combinations, I swear.

“No thanks, Grandpa. I ate on the way home from school with some friends.” The whole friend thing is a bigger lie than saying I already ate. Well, whatever. It’s not like he’ll ever find out about it, right? As long as he doesn’t find out, he won’t have to worry, and I’ll be able to keep him happy. I’ll be able to see that Grandpa is proud of me and proud of all the things I’ve accomplished. “If you make your special soup tomorrow, I’ll be sure to come home and eat with you. You know how much I like soup!” Well, at least _that_ isn’t a lie. I do like soup, and it’s not technically considered food.

“Alright, alright, Armin. I’ll make it tomorrow. Just make sure you don’t go out and eat with your friends again.” He rubbed my hair and walked out of the doorway to go to kitchen. At least he doesn’t question me like other parents might have.

I closed the door and walked back over to my bed. I sat down and put the palms of my hands over my eyes. “I’m sorry, Grandpa,” I whispered. “I’m so, so sorry.” My whisper had turned into sobs and my hands were now soaked with tears. “Please, I hope you’ll forgive me. I hope you won’t be mad. Please, forgive me, Grandpa. I’m sorry for doing this. I’m sorry.” Why did I have to do this? Why couldn’t I just see a counselor, or why can’t I just talk about it? Why did I let myself get into self mutilation? Why didn’t I stop myself?

Of course, it’s because I deserve it. I deserve all the pain and stress. I shouldn’t be able to live a happy life when I destroyed four other lives. I shouldn’t be able to live. I should be dead right now. But, I can’t try to leave Grandpa again. Then he’ll be all alone. He won’t have Grandma, he won’t have Mom or Dad, and he won’t have his only grandson. He’ll be all alone, and maybe, just maybe, that’ll make him sad like I was when Eren and Mikasa died. He might not get as bad as I am, but he’ll be sad. And, I don’t want him getting depressed because of me. I can’t harm anybody else.

I wiped my eyes and walked over to my closet, looking for another shirt. I settled on a black, long sleeve turtleneck. This one actually belonged to Mikasa. I was thin enough to wear both her and Eren’s clothing, so they would always give me some whenever they got too small for them to wear. And after they died, Eren’s aunt knew that he would give his clothing to me, so she gave me all of his and Mikasa’s shirts and sweaters. It might be a little cheap, but I don’t mind. I love how the fabric still smells like them. I love how soft it feels. And I love how it reminds me of the time when we were all together.

I took off my white shirt, threw it in the hamper, and pulled on the black one. It was one size too big, but it was warm and cozy. It was also loose on me, so it didn’t create friction whenever I moved around. Thus, my cuts are safe and sound and they shouldn’t open up.

I made my way over to my dresser and pulled open the last drawer. This drawer had some articles of clothing I had gotten from Eren. I pulled out a pair of grey sweats, shook my khaki pants off, and replaced them with the night wear. Eren’s clothes ranged from about 1-3 sizes too big for me, so they were always loose. I liked them like that. I tugged up the ends of the sweats, only to have them fall back down.

I wonder if I’ll ever grow into these. Most likely I won’t. The first reason because I’m really small, so it’ll take a while. The second reason is because I probably won’t be alive to see the day when I finally grow up. Well, all things come to an end at some point in their life, right? My end will just come a little faster than intended.

I walked out of my room and into the bathroom located directly across from my door. I slid into the small, white room and closed the door. I looked at the mirror and finally noticed how bad I was starting to look. I didn’t look as bright and vibrant as I used to.

I had dark circles under my eyes, and my face was really pale. Like, it was almost as white as these walls. Thankfully, Grandpa has bad eyesight so he can’t see any of this. 

I looked down at my covered arms and bit my lip. Am I sure I want to see these? The lights in here are bright, so I’ll be able to get a good look at my arm. Well, I guess I should just get this over with.

I pulled up both of my sleeves and shut my eyes before opening them slowly. My breath caught in my throat, and I could feel myself fighting back tears. My arms were, to say the least, disgusting. Red scars covered my arms everywhere. They went horizontally, making sure that every inch of skin on my forearm was scarred. It was like that on both arms, except on my left arm, I saw a vertical scar. I remember when that happened. I had tried to see how much I could bleed if I cut my skin vertically, and needless to say: I bled a lot. Thankfully, I didn’t die. I read online that if you sliced your vain or a major artery like that, you could die from blood loss. I’m kind of glad I didn’t die, but I’m also kind of upset that I didn’t.

I thought about removing the gauze I wrapped on my arm, but decided against it. It wouldn’t be very smart to take it off while the stitches are still fresh. I pulled my sleeves down and grabbed my toothbrush from the counter and applied toothpaste to the bristles. I brushed my teeth and did all that other stuff you’re supposed to do before bed and went back to my room.

It was still only 6 o’clock, but I don’t really care. It takes me hours to fall asleep anyways, so why not just go ahead and do it now? I was supposed to get some sleeping pills, but I never got the chance to get out of the house and actually get them. Oh well, maybe next time.

I lay down on my bed, under the soft, dark green covers. It was warm. Oh, if only I could feel this way all the time. If only I could just stay here and never go to school. But, life doesn’t seem to work that way. Life gives you the most difficult situations to deal with, and then laughs in your face when you can’t get out of it. There’s no way to escape it.

I wonder if I should visit the Jaeger family grave. It’ll be nice. I could say hello to Carla, and I could tell Grisha that I was still trying hard in school. I could tell Eren and Mikasa how much I’ve missed them. It’d be like nothing ever changed. But, happy times are always bound to come to an end. It’s inevitable. Don’t worry, Eren and Mikasa, I’ll see you two soon enough.

Sleep decided to come earlier than usual, and I was pulled into my short slumber. Looks like fate is being nicer to me today.

~

_”Why doesn’t he just kill himself already?” Stop it. “Do you think we should give him a hand?” Please, go away. “Nah. We gotta let him do it himself or else it’s meaningless.” Do you really want me gone that bad?_

_I stood in a cold, empty room. There were voices everywhere, but I couldn’t pinpoint where they were coming from. It’s dark in here, and there’s no light bulb. There’s no way to keep warm, either. I turned around, and Eren was there, with a butcher knife._

_“E-Eren?” I called out, scared out of my mind._

_“Oh, Armin,” he answered. “Do you know how much I’ve missed you?” His voice sounded contorted, and it was moving from a high pitch on one word, and then down to a lower pitch the next. “We’ve both missed you, so very much.”_

_I turned around, yet another time, and saw Mikasa standing before me. She had a dagger in her hand, and she wore a creepy smile on her face. There was blood on both the knife blade and her face. What was she doing? What were they going to do to me? “Armin~” Mikasa sang in a high voice. “What do you think we want from you?” I shrugged and walked towards the wall, but they only followed me. “We want what you took from us. We want your life.”_

_“Nobody would miss you anyways, right?” Eren said. He started laughing, and Mikasa joined in. I closed my eyes and opened them, only to find that Grisha and Carla Jaeger were standing behind them. Carla had a butcher knife, and Grisha had a dagger. Grisha had blood on his face, and on his dagger, and Carla had a creepy smile plastered on her face, just like Mikasa._

_“We’ve missed you, Armin,” the family sang in unison, causing myself to crumple to the floor. I killed them. I killed them and I can’t bring them back. The will never return to the happy family they once were. Their happy times have come to an inevitable end, quite too soon._

~

I woke up, sweat covering my forehead, and tears still trailing down my eyes. I licked my lips and tasted blood, too. This isn’t very uncommon for me. Last night’s dream just might push me over the edge, but I guess its best that I just try and ignore it.

Usually, I would scream when I had nightmares like that one, but I found a way to contain my voice at night. I would bite my lip in my sleep, so the more I would try to scream, the harder I would bite. Sometimes I would bite my hand, but usually it was just my lip.

I looked around and noticed that the blankets were on the floor in a messy pile. I picked it up and placed it on the bed before covering my mouth with my hand and running to the bathroom. When I reached my destination, I washed my mouth with the cold water.

I brushed my teeth while I was in there, too, and then went back to my room to try and figure out what last night’s dream meant.

Is this a sign? Or, am I just trying to fool myself into suicide? I’ve done it before, countless times, but I never gave in. I can’t give in now. But, why shouldn’t I give in? I’d be better off splattered below a bridge, or maybe in a never ending slumber from taking too many sleeping pills. Maybe I could do the old fashioned noose.

No, stop thinking about this. You can’t go to school thinking about these things. I checked my phone and it was, indeed, thirty minutes until school started. I guess school is also inevitable, huh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you ever wanna talk, or need a friend or just, anything, go follow me at tokiyaismine.tumblr.com
> 
> Just send me and ask or anything and I'll talk with you ^.^


	3. Let's Pay Somebody A Visit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The time has come for Armin to pay his respects to the Jaeger family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I'm so late with this!!! The week is passing by so fast and I have a lot of homework to do (not to mention that I didnt do my homework just to finish this chapter) and its just really stressful ;A;
> 
> Anyways, this chapter probably sounds choppy, but nothing really happens so yeah I don't know how to make it better so bear with me!!

School passed by faster than I thought it would. The only reason it did was probably because I was daydreaming. I was so caught up in my own thoughts; I ended up spacing out of half of my classes. Now, it’s time for lunch. I wonder if I’ll get picked on today.

I walked through the school corridors, passing the green lockers. Green was Eren’s favorite color. No wonder I’m always sad when I step in the building. This place always reminds me of him. I walked out of the school and made my way over to the playground we had in the back of the school. These grounds used to belong to an elementary school, so when they tore the school down, nobody bothered to get rid of that silly old playground. Well, it’s not really silly to me. It gives me some time to think; especially since nobody goes there very often.

I looked around and saw nobody there. Well, it’s not like people want to be surrounded by rust and peeling paint chips when they could be socializing and having fun somewhere else. That just goes to show how much more different I am than everybody else at this school. I walked over to the swings and sat down. Nothing was peeling, and it didn’t sound like it was going to break, either. It was my perfect thinking place.

I put my feet on the ground and rocked the swing back and forth a little bit, causing a squeaking noise to be heard. Well, it wasn’t going to break, but that didn’t mean the pipes weren’t rusty, either. I stopped myself abruptly and looked down at the ground.

If Eren was here, we would have been eating together in the cafeteria or at some restaurant nearby. Nobody would pick on me because Mikasa would beat up everybody who tried to hurt either me or Eren. I wouldn’t be lonely. I wouldn’t be starving myself and I wouldn’t have all of these cuts hidden under my clothing. I’d be a happy, normal, A-honor roll student. It sure is fun to think about how life would have been if I didn’t kill my two best friends.

I felt a drop on my pant leg and focused on the fabric. More and more fell down, and I knew that I had been crying. Crying because that’s all I can ever do right. It seems that I’m not even strong enough to fight back tears at school. I heard the kick of a rock and looked up, only to see two students making their way towards the playground. I wiped my eyes with my sleeves and got up off of the swing. I can’t let anybody see me like this.

It turns out, the two students were only Jean Kirschtein and Marco Bodt. They’re always together. Jean is a football jock who’s surprisingly nice and caring, so he’s never seen with the rest of the team. Marco’s father is the principal of this school, so everybody tries to get on his good side in fear of being expelled. The only weird thing about him is that he has a burn scar on the back of his right hand.

I ducked my head down and walked past them, muttering an “excuse me,” while I passed. I don’t expect either of them to know me, so I don’t even bother trying to greet them. Nobody knows me, except for those stupid jocks who take my money all the time. That’s all it ever is. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and checked the time. Its five minutes until my lunch period ends, so I should probably head back to class.

~

The rest of the school day was all a big blur. I pretty much daydreamed the whole day. Well, it doesn’t really matter now, does it? No, it doesn’t, because it’s not like I’ll live until I get out of high school.

When school ended, I decided against calling a cab. I didn’t have any money, and walking will probably give me more time to clear my head. Maybe I’ll go somewhere after dinner with Grandpa. It’s a Friday night, so I don’t think he’ll mind. In fact, he’ll think I’m a normal kid having fun with friends.

 

By the time I made it home, dinner was already prepared and the table was set. I must have taken my time walking, but it’s no big deal. Grandpa always eats dinner around five o’clock, and school ends at 4.

I changed out of my uniform and put on a green sweatshirt and black pants. The pants belonged to me, but the sweatshirt was Eren’s. At home, I always catch myself wearing clothing that doesn’t belong to me. Somehow, it makes me feel normal. It’s like when a girl wears her boyfriend’s t-shirts when she goes to bed. When I wear Eren’s or Mikasa’s clothes, I feel loved. I feel like everything is back to normal. But, I soon remember that everything isn’t back to normal. Everything is fun while it lasts.

I sat down at the table, across from my Grandpa. He was wearing that blue sweater over a white shirt with overalls. His hat was set aside next to him on the table. I muttered a quick, “thank you for the food,” and picked up my spoon. As promised, soup was served for dinner. Maybe it’ll warm my insides and keep my heart beating instead of letting it be the cold ice block that it always is.

I shoved a spoonful of soup in my mouth and was filled with immediate warmth. The recipe only called for chicken broth and mushrooms, but even as plain as it sounds, it still tastes delicious; especially when it’s hot.

“Are you doing well at school?” my Grandpa asked. 

“Well, I still have straight A’s,” I replied with a slight laugh. I’ve always been a good student without really trying, so grades aren’t really a stressor for me. 

“You’re not one to disappoint now, are you?” he joked. Ah, if only he knew how big of a disappointment I’ve become. “Keep up the good work, and maybe I’ll raise your allowance a bit.”

I nodded with a smile glued on my face. Allowance isn’t really an issue. I always get ten dollars every two days, so I always have money. But, it wouldn’t hurt to get paid more. I could buy more lighters or razors or pretty much anything. I should actually be saving up for gauze. There are so many things to buy these days.

I continued to eat my soup until the bowl was almost completely empty. It’s not that much of an accomplishment since my portions are always small, but I’m pretty proud of myself. I haven’t eaten a full meal like this in about two or three weeks. Well, that’s if you even consider this liquid a type of dinner.  
I stood up from the table and placed my bowl and spoon in the sink and walked back into the dining room where my guardian was. “I’ll be back in a little while, okay?” I said. “I’m gonna go visit some friends of mine.” It’s not a total lie, so there’s no reason to feel bad about saying this. It’s just that the friends I’m seeing aren’t here on this world.

“Have fun,” he said, a smile stuck on my Grandfather’s face. He actually thinks I have friends. What he doesn’t know can’t hurt him, I guess.

“I will!” I called out as I walked out of the front door. Well, maybe I will.

The October air was brisk and cold; perfect for a stroll. I looked around the neighborhood and saw the other teens hanging with their little cliques. I felt envious of them, kind of. They all had friends and I didn’t. They had people who cared about them, and I had nobody. I was all alone in this world, and I don’t think I can ever find somebody to make me happy ever again.

I looked at the ground and walked on the sidewalk, making my way to the cemetery. It’s not very far from where I live, so I come here after school sometimes. It’s quiet and nobody goes there that often, save for Halloween. It’s kind of messed up, when I think about it. People visit the cemetery and disrupt the graveyard on that one day because they think it’s “spooky”. It’s like that every other day of the year, too, so why even bother? If they really want to get scared, why don’t they just go to some random, old house in the middle of nowhere and play a few pranks on each other?

I walked through the gates and walked on a path that would leave me to the back of the graveyard. The Jaeger family was buried in the far back, in a corner, so I always knew where to go. When I found the four tombstones for the family, I kneeled down in front of the graves that belonged to Carla and Grisha Jaeger. I looked around to make sure that nobody was watching and began talking.

“Hello again, Mr. and Mrs. Jaeger. It’s been a while since I’ve last talked to you two, hasn’t it? I thought I should tell you that I’m still doing well in school, and that I’ve been studying very hard lately. I also want to say that I really miss you guys. I wish I could go over to your house and have some of your homemade pie. I really miss it, and it’s a shame that you never left a recipe. I’ll be sure to try and find out that recipe, alright, Mrs. Jaeger? I want to make sure your lovely pie doesn’t go unremembered.” I moved over to kneel in front of Eren’s and Mikasa’s graves.

“Hey, Eren, Mikasa. It’s been quite a while since I’ve visited, hasn’t it? I promise I’ll come by more often. And, I hope you don’t mind that I’m still borrowing the clothes that you guys gave me. They’re just so comfy and warm, and they remind me of you two. You know, sometimes it gets really hard, and I just don’t know what to do without you two anymore. I really miss you guys. I just want everything to go back to the way it used to be.” I shut my eyes and felt the tears roll off of my face. Now that they’ve started, they won’t stop. “I’m really sorry for what happened to your family. It was my fault. I’m the one who caused your death. I shouldn’t be able to live when I took not one, but four people’s lives. But, maybe all the pain I’m experiencing will drown out the karma, right? Or maybe, the pain is the karma.

“People call me a killer. Did you know that? They would sometimes tell me to go and die because I don’t deserve to be alive. They’re right. I’m sorry I killed you guys, but most of all, I’m sorry for what I’ve become. I’m sorry that I do this to myself. I really want to stop, but I just can’t. I can’t do it. I don’t think I can even go on like this anymore. I don’t want to breathe ever again, but I’m such a coward that I can’t bring myself to actually end it all. I just, don’t know anymore, guys. Help me, please. Please, save me from what I’ve become. Save me, please. I can’t do this anymore.” I put my hands over my face and cried. I cried and cried until I couldn’t produce any more tears. This was all too much. I never should have visited their graves. I stood up from where I was kneeling and looked up at the sky. It was dark, the stars were out, and the moon hung in the middle of the night sky. I’ve been here for about five hours, I guess. I looked down at the graves and flashed a sad smile. “Don’t you worry guys,” I muttered. “I’ll be with you soon enough.”

I turned on my heels and walked back on the path, making my way to the exit. I wiped my eyes with the sleeves of my shirt and picked up my pace. Grandpa is most likely worried by now. I need to hurry up. Just as soon as I was going to exit the cemetery, I saw nobody other than _Jean Kirschtein._ He was leaning against the gate with his hands in his pockets. I tried to walk past him, but he grabbed my arm and stopped me.

“You’re that Arlert kid, right?” He asked. I nodded. “Is there something wrong? I never see you with your friends or anything and the last time I saw you, you were crying.” What a subtle way of asking that.

“It’s nothing,” I muttered. “Please, let me go. I don’t even know you.” What kind of person just grabs a complete stranger, anyways? Apparently, this guy does.

“Oh, uh, sorry about that,” he apologized. He took his hands off of me brought it up to the back of his neck and grinned. “If you ever need to talk to somebody, come and find me, okay?”

“Whatever,” I said. I walked faster, almost breaking into a run. Jean is just about the only guy that would ever do that. He’s super nice, and he thinks about other people before himself, so this shouldn’t be surprising behavior. But, nobody talks to me. I’m just a loser who has no friends. I don’t see why somebody like him would even try to talk to me. He’s popular, and I’m not. Not to mention that we’re complete strangers and only know each other’s names.

But still, there’s something about him that puts me at ease.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember, if you wanna be my friend or like talk to me or maybe even vent or something, just talk to me at my tumblr!!!
> 
> tokiyaismine.tumblr.com


	4. Visits Are Fun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi visits Armin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so Levi is a tough guy and Armin is gay. Glad we have that out of the way. also Levi isn't all dark and shit because he's really hyper okay

I woke up to the sound of a light knock on my door. I climbed out of bed, my mind still groggy from sleep, and opened it. I blinked a couple of times and wiped my eyes. Now, it took longer than I expected to notice that the person standing there wasn’t my Grandfather. Instead of seeing a usual blue sweater and pair of grey sweats, I saw a black leather jacket, black skinny jeans, and a guy wearing a tad bit of eyeliner on his waterline. _Levi._

My eyes widened and I threw my arms around him. I was only about an inch or two taller than him, but today, he was taller than me. I came to the conclusion that he had put wedges in his shoes.

Levi ruffled my hair with his hand and laughed a little. “You act like I haven’t seen you in five years, kid,” he said. I usually see Levi every weekend, but school has been keeping him busy, so I haven’t seen him at all these past two months.

“Well, you haven’t been here since the ending of August,” I laughed. I pulled away from him and invited him inside.

Levi walked in the room and sat on my bed, and I followed soon after.

Levi’s a senior at Maria High this year, so it’s the last year we’ll be attending the same high school together. I don’t usually hang out with upperclassmen, but Levi and his friends are an exception. Eren got a boyfriend during his sophomore year, and it just so happened to be Levi. Eren had met Levi’s friends, so he introduced me to them. They’re really nice people. There’s Hanji, Erwin, and Mike. They took a liking to Eren immediately, and soon enough they liked me too, considering the fact that I was always around him.

“So,” Levi yawned. It was still early in the morning, so I’m not surprised that he’s tired. “Have you made any friends yet?”

“Uh, no,” I sighed. “The answer’s still going to be the same when you ask it next time, you know.”

“Let me rephrase that,” he said. Levi put his chin in his hand and closed his eyes for a couple of seconds before opening them wide. “Has anybody talked to you lately that wasn’t a teacher, school administrator, or your grandpa?” Only he would be that specific when asking a question.

“Well, this one guy talked to me when I was visiting the graves,” I said after a couple of seconds of waiting. “He told me, _You’re that Arlert kid, right?_ and then I nodded. Then he said, _Is there something wrong? I never see you with your friends or anything. If you ever need to talk to somebody, come and find me, okay?_ ” I left out the part about Jean seeing me cry, because that’s embarrassing as hell.

“I see,” he muttered. “What kind of guy is he?”

“Uh, well he’s popular and he’s really nice so, it’s not that big of a deal.” It’s nothing, really. It’s just Jean trying to be his usual, considerate self.

“But, it kind of is a big deal. He was at the cemetery, right?” I nodded. “Then that means he was visiting somebody, too, since he shouldn’t be like those stupid kids who go there for fun. That means he shares your pain, so he might want some consolation, too.”

“I never even thought of that,” I said in a half-whisper. “But, if he wanted somebody to talk about it with him, he could just ask his friends.”

“But that’s where you’re wrong!” Levi practically screamed out. He’s not usually this loud with me, so he must be excited about something. Maybe it’s because Jean talked to me? “His friends probably don’t know anything about seeing a dead person’s grave, so they would just call him a pussy or some other shit. You were actually there visiting somebody, so he knows that you know what it’s like, therefore he wants to be comforted by you and only you.”

“Levi,” I chuckled. “Are you implying that he has a slight crush on me?”

“I may or may not be implying that,” was all he said.

“Levi, there’s no way in hell that he likes me, so get it out of your head. Besides, that’s the only time we’ve ever talked to each other.”

“Things change, flowers bloom, you fuck a guy, water is wet,” Levi said. “Those are all simple facts of life.” Something doesn’t seem right here.

“Me?!?” I laughed. “You’re joking right? There’s no way somebody would find me attractive, much less desirable. Now you’re just saying unrealistic things.”

“Well,” Levi said. “Hanji thinks you’re cute, so that’s a start.”

“Hanji thinks everything is cute,” I retorted. “Especially you. She thinks you have this super adorable side to you that you’ve never revealed to anyone, and maybe not even to yourself. She also thinks Erwin looks like a baby doll, and that Mike likes perfume.”

Levi frowned his eyebrows drew downwards. “Well Hanji’s retarded,” he sighed. “But, what if I said that Erwin thinks you’re cute?”

Erwin? No way. He’s the most serious guy out of the group, maybe even the school. “Erwin would never agree to something like that,” I said.

“Oh, but he did,” Levi sang. “He said, _Armin’s kind of cute when you look at how he acts and how he looks, right Levi?_ And, I do not lie so you can trust me 100% here, Armin.” Levi put his right hand in a fist over his heart, and he put his left hand behind his back. It was this thing Eren came up with. It could either mean, _I’m telling the truth and I swear it on my life,_ or _I respect you._ Something along those lines.

“That doesn’t necessarily mean he’s attracted to me, Levi. It might just mean he thinks I’m cute in a little kid way. I know that’s how you see me.”

“Well you’re right about me, but you never know with Erwin.” Levi leaned back on the bed until he fell on his back and put his hands behind his head. “He’s like a stone, so you can never know what he’s thinking, unless he makes it obvious.”

I waited a minute or two before asking what I needed to. “Hey Levi,” I said. Levi hummed so to say he had heard me. “You didn’t stop by just so you could say hello, right? I know you have another reason for being here.”

Levi shut his eyes and sighed before sitting up. His aura had turned from bright and bubbly, to dark and depressing. “You always see right through me, kid,” he joked. “But, I think you know why I’m here, right? I love seeing you, but I still worry for your safety. I’m scared that you’ll do something drastic, and I don’t want you to leave me, Armin. So, that’s why I want to be here for you and make sure you’re as safe as possible.”

“I’m fine, Levi,” I said. “People haven’t been bullying me as often or as worse as they did before, so it’s been pretty good. Plus, I haven’t gotten jumped in quite a while, so I think that’s something to be happy about.”

“I just wish you would tell me these things, Armin. I want to help you. I want to make everybody who hurts you go away, but I can’t do that if you don’t tell me who they are. Any number of those stupid kids could try and fight me, but we both know who’s going to get hurt in the end. Why don’t you just tell me these things?”

 _Because, I don’t want you to suffer like I do._ The words almost left my mouth, but I stopped them in time. “You don’t need to worry about me, is why. You have to focus on school and hang out with your friends. Your _other_ friends, that is. I’m fine.”

Levi sat up and looked me in the eyes, his face clear of any expressions. “Show me your arms,” he said. Levi knew all about my cutting, my depression, and my suicide attempts, but he still stuck with me. He can’t fix what’s already broken, so why bother trying?

“No.”

“Armin Fucking Arlert,” Levi growled. “Show me your arms right now before I hold you down and rip off those sleeves myself.” The shirt I was wearing was Eren’s, and I knew the senior would actually tear the sleeves off, so I just held my arms out, signaling him to roll them up.

He reached his hands out and started rolling the dark green sleeves up. I bit my lip and looked down, shutting my eyes. Levi stopped rolling the sleeves up once he reached my elbow. I wasn’t able to cut on my upper arms anymore since I had too many scars there, so it didn’t work. The blood wouldn’t flow, so I stopped trying. 

Levi poked the bandage on my left arm and asked, “What happened here?”

“I almost cut too deep,” I said. I looked up and felt a couple of tears make their way down my face. Something about showing my scars to Levi made me feel ashamed and disgusting. Maybe it’s because I’m the lowest of the low. “It was an accident, I swear! I didn’t mean to do it that much and it just went too deep so I had to use stitches and-“ Levi pulled me into his arms and didn’t let me speak, on account of his shirt was muffling my words.

“Damn right it was an accident,” he said. “And you better make sure that if you ever almost or do cut too deep again it was an accident. Because if it wasn’t, I will personally kill you, and if you already died then I would bring you back to life, kill you, bring you back again, and choke you with my own bare hands before you pass out.” Levi doesn’t try to make me feel special. He says things as if I wasn’t suicidal, and it makes me happy. No matter what he says, he’ll say it as if I wasn’t going through those problems myself. He doesn’t try to make me feel special like that, because he does it by using other means.

I wrapped my arms around Levi and sobbed into his shirt. I know he’d be angry that I got his shirt dirty, but maybe he won’t care. Maybe he’ll forget about it, because right now, it’s only the two of us.

After 20 minutes of me crying and Levi shushing me softly, Levi said he had to go to work. He worked at a convenience store a couple of blocks away, so it wasn’t unusual for him to stop by before he took off.

When Levi left, I laid down on my bed, thinking of the words he said before he walked out of the door.

_”I’ll visit more often, okay? Make sure you don’t do anything too drastic, because then I’ll have to take some drastic measures as well.”_

It didn’t take much thinking to know that Levi genuinely cared about me like he did with Eren, so I would try to stay alive for Levi. I can’t have him lose two people in his life, so I’ll try for him.

I shut my eyes and tried to think of some memories from when Eren, Mikasa, and I were younger. I ended up falling asleep with tears trickling down my face. Not sad tears, but tears of joy. Maybe I would have a good dream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you wanna vent, make a friend, get ahold of me, or just wanna chat about nothing, hit me up at tokiyaismine.tumblr.com
> 
> yeah i'll talk to you about whatever so ye


	5. Sorry To Say This, But You Need Help

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jean is a weirdo who can't keep his emotions in check. Also there's a lot of dialogue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay yeah Jean is a weirdo in this fic okay
> 
> and Armin types with correct capitlization but he doesn't put periods  
> and Levi types with perfect everything oke even a perfect face

The rest of Saturday and Sunday passed by fairly quickly. Too quickly, if you ask me. Well, maybe if I did something else for once, the weekends would pass by slower. All I did on Saturday was deprive myself of both breakfast and lunch, but I ate a grilled cheese sandwich for dinner. And, you guessed it! I hacked away at my skin. It seems that’s the only thing I’m good at, these days. Being an absolute fuckup.

And, Sunday wasn’t any different, except I did my homework some time during the day.

As I was walking to school, I ran into the one and only, Jean Kirschtein, along with Marco Bodt. I don’t think anybody could separate them if they tried. Especially since I heard that they used to go out, but nobody knows why they broke up. But, as I was saying, I literally bumped into Jean. I was looking at my shoes while I walked and I accidently hit my forehead on his back.

“Oh, um, sorry,” I muttered. “I’ll be more careful in the future.” Apologizing is a habit I picked up, thanks to the bullies.

Jean turned around and flashed a smile at me. “It’s not a problem,” he said. How can somebody be that bright on a Monday morning? “It’s good to see you again.” He raised his hand up, probably to wave at me, but my instincts took over. I dropped to my knees and covered my head with my arms and looked up at the two. Both Marco and Jean looked really confused, and that’s when I realized what I had done.

“Armin,” Marco mumbled. Marco knew everybody’s name, but I don’t know how he remembers them all. “What are you doing?”

I stood up from the floor and ran back the way that I came. I was running back home. I heard Jean and Marco calling after me, but I don’t care. I can’t go to school after doing something like that. There’s no way I can even show my face around those two.

I stopped running and ducked into an alleyway. I leaned against the brick wall and sunk to the floor, trying to catch my breath. Maybe they followed me, but I doubt that. Then again, Jean’s good nature and Marco’s curiosity might get the best of them. But, I don’t think Marco would chase after me. Sure, he likes helping people, but he’s not the type to pry into other people’s business. But Jean would surely try to find me. Or, maybe they just don’t care about somebody like me.

I heard footsteps walking toward the entrance to the dark alley. It seems my misfortune is going to continue. If there’s a god somewhere, anywhere, watching me, can’t they just give me a break?

I shrunk into myself, trying to seem as unnoticeable as possible, but maybe I’m just not that bland. I mean, I have bright blond hair and I’m wearing a blue sweater, so of course I’m going to stick out in the dark.

Jean was standing in front of the alleyway, looking for me. His head cocked downwards and he saw me. I wanted to run and hide, but it’s not like I have much of a choice anymore. Instead all I could do was let him sit on the floor next to me. I really am pathetic, huh.

“Something’s going on with you,” Jean muttered. “But I don’t know what. And, I want to figure it out, so I can try and help.” He turned his head to face me, and my eyes darted away quickly. “That is, if you don’t mind telling me.” Even Jean has a serious side, I guess.

“There’s nothing wrong with me,” I pouted. “Besides, you know nothing about me, so how would you know? You never talked to me once, and then you decide to tell me that I can talk to you if I ever need to. What’s up with you? You can’t just act like you’re my friend or something.”

“Well, I never see you with any friends, so I thought I should try to make some sort of friendship with you. I just don’t like it whenever people are lonely or sad, so I want to help. I feel like I should try to get to know them, and help them feel like they have somebody to run to if they need a shoulder to lean on.”

“I don’t need friends!” I shut my eyes and felt my hands form into fists. I need to calm down. Who knows when somebody is going to pass by and find us skipping class?

“I beg to differ,” he chimed. For some reason, just knowing that he had a happy life irritated me. “I remember seeing you smile all the time, but when you lost Eren and Mikasa, you stopped. I haven’t seen you smile since sophomore year.”

“You don’t know anything,” I said. “You don’t know what it’s like for me, so don’t pretend like you do. Just leave me alone and go to class or something.” I should be the one going to school, so why haven’t I gone yet? Who cares if Marco thinks I’m crazy. Everybody knows about how I was responsible for what happened to the Jaeger family, so why should I be worried about what he thinks of me now?

“I could say the same for you,” Jean chuckled. And, in a swift moment of me not paying attention, he somehow managed to get a hold of my arm. The next thing I knew, my left sleeve was pulled up and my scars were in plain sight. I had already taken the bandage off of my arm, since my stitches weren’t needed anymore, so my arm didn’t have anything covering it.

I pulled my arm away and rolled my sleeve back down. I could feel how much I was shaking, and I knew Jean could see it, too. I stood up from where I was sitting and looked down at my fellow classmate. He had a sad smile on his face, and it looked as if he was going to cry.

“I knew it,” he muttered. He whispered it over and over while standing up and pulling me into a hug. “I’m sorry I didn’t come to you sooner. I’m sorry I couldn’t be of any help to you.” Jean seemed like he was sorry for me, rather than disgusted with me.

“Let me go!” I yelled. “Leave me alone! Don’t touch me! Just, go away already! I don’t need your pity…” My screams turned into a soft whisper and I could feel myself go limp against his touch. I haven’t had any human contact with anybody besides Levi or his friends, so I craved his touch. But, why? It’s not as if I know him or anything, so why? …Maybe it’s because I’m _desperate._ I pulled away and backed further into the alley, trying to get away from the person standing in front of me.

Jean turned to me and smiled, while a single tear rolled down his cheek. “Armin,” he said, softly. “Please don’t do anything, okay? You might think I don’t care or understand, but I do. I really do. And please, talk to me, okay? I’ll always be here for you.” It looks like he needs me more than I need him.

“Why are you doing this?” I asked. “Just tell me why, and maybe I’ll consider it.”

“Do you really want to know?” I nodded. Jean leaned against the wall and put his hands in his pocket. “Well, do you remember a girl named Sasha Braus from our freshman year? And, do you remember a kid named Connie Springer?” Connie and Sasha… They were dating back then, but something happened and Connie died. They also said that Sasha switched schools. “Connie and Sasha used to go out, and everything was fine until one day, some girl said something to Sasha that made her turn on Connie. She broke up with him and started spreading rumors and telling people to jump him whenever they could. I don’t know what she was told, but since she was popular at the time, nobody questioned her orders.

“Connie got bullied left and right, and every day after school, there was always a gang of kids ready to beat him up. The bullying got so bad to the point that he turned to cutting to find some sort of release for his pain and suffering. He had scars adorn his arms, thighs, and some on his stomach. He just wanted a way to cope with his pain. But, the cutting didn’t help him very much, so he decided to take more drastic measures. The school said that he drowned in a lake so that way no rumors spread, but that’s not what happened. He swallowed a bunch of pills, drank some vodka he got his hands on, and cut his wrists. It was a suicide attempt that turned out to be successful.

“His parents gave me his suicide note, and I’ll never forget what it said. _Thanks for being such a great friend, Jean. You’re the best pal anyone could ask for. You never left my side when the bullies kept coming at me, and you never gave up on me; no matter how stubborn I was acting. I’m sorry I did this to myself, and I’m sorry I have to leave you, but I’ll watch over you. Thank you, for everything._ So, that’s when I realized that I don’t want anyone else to die like that. I wanted to help as many people as I can. I don’t want you to go through what Connie did.”

Tears had started falling down Jean’s face halfway through the story, and he was shaking. I had already calmed down, so I decided to try and comfort him, even if it would do no good. I never knew Connie killed himself, and I can’t imagine what Jean went through. Well, I kind of can, but it’s not really the same. To know that you had a friend and you couldn’t do anything for them must be really hard to deal with.

Before I could do anything, Jean had already started talking again. “So, will you let me help you, Armin? We could be friends. I’ll make sure nobody hurts you ever again.” It’s not good to make promises you can’t keep. “Let’s be friends.” _Friends._

I haven’t talked to anybody from school since last year. I’ve talked with people who were close to me in some way, but not to people who I pass by daily. So, even if I were to become friends with Jean, people wouldn’t take it too nicely. Perhaps it’ll raise my popularity and people might stop bullying me, or maybe I’ll be told that I’m clinging to Jean and my situation will become worse. Maybe I should risk it. Maybe if everything turns out wrong, I’ll finally get that push to kill myself. It’ll work out perfectly.

I had walked over to Jean while I thought about what he told me. He was staring down at me, hands clutched together, and face red with embarrassment. He couldn’t control his crying, nor his emotions, so no wonder he’s embarrassed. I nodded my head and muttered, “Sure, I guess so.” And, I kid you not; he went from a teary, red-faced mess, to a smiling idiot. He really needs to keep his emotions in check.

“So, what should we do now?” Jean asked. Who can instantly become happy after sharing such a depressing story? There’s something wrong with this kid and I’m going to figure out what it is.

“Well, I should go home, considering the fact that we’ve already skipped class, and third period is about to end,” I sighed. “I’m calling in sick, but you can do whatever you like.”

“I know! You should let me come over to your house!” What is he, five?

“I barely wanted to become your friend, so there’s no way you’re even coming to my house,” I said. I pulled out my phone and started to type a message to Levi. Well, I would have started if somebody wasn’t looking down at my phone’s screen.

“Who’s that?” he asked. “Is it your boyfriend? Is it your dad? Who is it?” Yes, I believe he’s actually five.

“I’ll have you know, it’s a friend of mine, okay,” I said through clenched teeth. He is getting on my nerves. “But, he’s not in the same grade so you’ve never seen me with him.”

“So is he a sophomore? A freshman?”

I let out an exaggerated sigh before answering his question. “I’ll have you know he’s a senior.” Since the beans have been spilled, I decided to text Levi whether or not Jean was looking down at what I was typing.

**Me:** _I did something stupid, so I’m not coming to school today So don’t try to find me after school_

I wasn’t expecting Levi to respond that quickly, but as soon as I put my phone away, it already started buzzing with an alert.

**Levi:** _What did you do?_

I looked up at Jean and he seemed content with the fact that I was talking with someone, so he let me take my time. Weirdo.

**Me:** _Come by after school, or during school, I don’t really care and I’ll tell you But please, don’t bring Hanji I don’t need her up in my business_

I put my phone back in my pocket and made my way out of the alley. Jean was still following me while I made my way down the street, too. It’s like he’s a lost dog or something. 

“Are you going to follow me until I get to my house?” He nodded. There’s no way I can stop him, and I know he won’t leave out of his own free will. “Whatever. Just don’t touch anything, okay?” He nodded again. I guess he sensed my irritation, so he doesn’t want to speak. It’s not like I have a problem with that. 

The rest of the walk was spent in silence. 


	6. The Meetup

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The whole gang is here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Levi is very protective of Armin, okay. Just wanted to get that out of the way >.>

“Your room’s so clean.”

“I hate when it’s a mess,” I said. 

Jean has been asking me the stupidest questions since he’s got here. I told Grandpa that they cancelled school today, and then I brought this idiot to my room. Right when I closed the door, he was already saying things like, _Who’s that?_ , _Do you like music?_ , _Can we play a game?_ I just hope that Levi comes soon, because maybe Jean will feel to scared around him to talk.

Jean sat on a chair in the middle of my room. He had put his jacket on my bed (you know, the kind that high school guys always have). I was lying down on the top bunk of my bed and was staring at the ceiling. I looked over to Jean and saw him open his mouth to speak, but he stopped when he saw my door swing open. I sat up quickly and saw Levi walk in, followed by Erwin, Mike, and… Hanji… Oh no.

I jumped off of the bed and Hanji closed the door behind her before running up to me. She pulled me into a tight hug and started giggling. “Armin! I missed you so much! How have you been? Are you doing well in school? Is that your friend? He looks cute. Is he your boyfriend? What’s his name?” Questions spewed out of her mouth, and I wasn’t able to breathe from her arms that were wrapped around me.

“Oi, Four Eyes,” I heard Levi yell. “Let the kid go and he’ll answer your stupid questions.” I was released from Hanji’s arms and wobbled around, lightheaded and dizzy. I was about to fall over when Erwin caught me.

I regained my balance and looked around the room. Levi was wearing his usual black attire; black platform shoes, black skinny jeans, and a black long sleeve shirt. Hanji was wearing a pink shirt with jeans, and light brown sandals. Mike was wearing the same as usual; a grey t-shirt, dark wash jeans, and black tennis shoes. And, of course, Erwin was wearing a blue hoodie with jeans, and a pair of black Vans. The whole gang was here.

I looked over to Jean and saw him stare at all the people standing around me. “Oh, uh,” I muttered. I pointed to each person as I said their name. “Jean, this is Levi, Erwin, Mike, and Hanji. And uh, this is Jean, you guys.” Somehow, that was way more awkward than it was supposed to be.

Hanji walked over to Jean and put her hands on her hips. “Hello, Jean! My name is Hanji, and I have some questions to ask you.” Jean nodded and put his hands in his lap in front of him. I wanted to hear what questions she was going to ask, but Levi pulled me out of my room and into the hallway, followed by Erwin and Mike.

“What did you do?” Levi asked. He looked serious and didn’t look like he wanted to wait for an answer. He was definitely in one of his worse moods today.

I turned to look at Erwin, but he looked just as serious, and Mike had no expression on his face. I sighed and put my hands behind my back. “Jean waved at me this morning, but something came over me and I flinched and fell to the ground. Now he wants me to be his friend and stuff, and he’s told me some pretty serious stuff, so I can’t back out now. That’s pretty much everything that’s happened.”

“Well, you’re fucked,” Levi laughed. Mike snorted and covered his mouth with his hand. Those two are useless as ever, I suppose. 

“Maybe this is a good thing,” Erwin said. “I mean, it might give you a chance to make a new friend.”

“Erwin,” I said. “That’s bull.” 

The older blond was about to retort, but I heard Jean scream and decided that our arguing could wait a while longer. I opened the door and saw Hanji straddling Jean’s hips. Her face was dangerously close to his, and Jean seemed to be trapped under her.

“What the fuck are you doing?” Levi yelled. Hanji jumped off of Jean and sat on the floor, playing with her thumbs. Jean scooted away as soon as he was released. He pressed himself against the wall and covered his mouth with his hand. I walked over to him and crouched.

“Did she kiss you?” I asked. He shook his head. “Did she try?” He nodded. I sighed and stood up from the floor. “Hey, Levi, apparently she tried to kiss him. What’s that about?”

“Yeah,” Levi sighed. “What are you doing to his poor innocent soul?”

“I was testing to see if he was a player,” Hanji exclaimed. “I wanted to know if he would kiss me back, or if he would turn away like a good boy.”

“Nobody wants to kiss your ugly face,” Levi spat.

“You were licking my face!” Jean yelled. “I don’t think that was a simple test!” No, that’s a simple test. Hanji can do so much worse.

“You licked his face?” Levi asked. Hanji nodded and gave him a bright smile. “Whatever. Armin, Erwin, Mike, deal with this idiot. Jean, you come with me into the bathroom.” Oh no. What’s he going to do now?

Jean stood up and followed Levi to the bathroom while I was left here to deal with Hanji.

 

**_Levi_ **

“I assume you’re in the same grade as Armin?” Jean nodded. “Okay, and I also assume you know about what happened to the Jaeger family and Armin’s little secret?” Another nod.

“Well, I know that the Jaeger family got in a car crash,” he said. “And, if the secret you’re talking about is what decorates his arms, then yes, I do know.” Good. That means less explaining for me to do.

“So, what got you into Armin all of a sudden?” This is an unavoidable question, because frankly, I really want to know why somebody would be interested in that blond calculator out of nowhere.

“Well, uh,” he stalled. Oh god, another person who isn’t comfortable with me. I would tell Erwin to get in here and ask him the questions instead, but I want to hear them from Jean’s mouth. “I’ve always noticed Armin. We went to the same school since the 4th grade, and we used to be really close. But, when we entered junior high, we didn’t have any of the same classes together so we kind of drifted apart. But, even then, I was always watching him, because to me, he looked fragile and innocent, so I wanted to make sure that whenever he was in danger, I could help him. I don’t know why I felt that way, but I just did.

“We moved on to high school, and earlier in the year I heard about what happened to the Jaeger family. I was kind of sad, but I knew I didn’t have any right to be. Eren and I practically hated each other, and we weren’t that close anyways. But, I remembered Armin, and how he was always seen with them. I knew it must’ve hit him the hardest, and then everybody started saying that Armin killed them.” Those fuckers. Don’t they know that because of them, Armin is fucking suffering more than they ever will in their entire life? “I kept watching him to make sure that he wouldn’t be in danger, but after I heard of the accident, I kind of just slacked off a bit. Then, I saw him by the old playground, and he was crying. I was going to ask what was wrong, but he just ran right past me. And the on Friday, I saw him at the cemetery, and he was crying, again. I wanted to help him, so I tried to become his friend, but it looks like he doesn’t want me.”

So this shit has been watching that little Blondie, and he hasn’t noticed a thing? Wow, either juniors are retarded, or this guy is just way below average intelligence. “Okay, so now that the whole life story thing is out of the way,” I sighed. I ran my hand through my hair and sat on the edge of the tub. “Why do you think you can help him? You do know that it’s going to be really hard, right? And if you do the slightest thing wrong, then you may chance fucking him up even more.”

“Well, I had a friend like Armin, a while back,” he said. He turned his head up and focused his eyes on the ceiling. “His name was Connie. I’m sure you’ve heard of the Connie Incident, right?” Connie… Now I remember. They said that he drowned in a river. “The principal made sure to tell us that he drowned so nobody could spread rumors. But, so I can keep this story short, I’ll say it as blunt as possible. His ex-girlfriend made his life a living hell, and so he resorted to self harm to cope with his pain, and one day he just ended it all.”

So this kid knows how hard it’ll be to deal with Armin, then. Fair enough. “Now for the question I’ve been meaning to ask: Are you going to deal with Armin’s bullshit, and actually try to help? Because if you’re just here to kill time, then I’ll get you out of here in a heartbeat.”

Jean looked down at me and nodded his head, quite violently, if I might add. “Yes. The whole reason I’m here is because I wanted to help.”

“And remember this,” I said. I stood up from where I was sitting and walked over to Jean. I crossed my arms and looked up at him, much to my displeasure. “If you break his poor little heart, I will not hesitate to break all the bones in your body. I’m not bluffing either. Go and ask Erwin how many people I’ve put in the hospital this past year, and make sure he tells you how many are still in there.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” he croaked.

“Good. Now come on so we can get back to the room and see what they’ve with that four-eyed idiot.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my tumblr is tokiyaismine.tumblr.com so yeah talk to me or just bother me idk just do something i guess


	7. The Memories Are Painful Ones

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi remembers some things from the past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is basically just a short little filler chapter. I dunno it's not supposed to be long, but i just thought having a chapter like this to know a little bit more about Eren's relationship with Levi was kinda important.... even if this story is about Armin.... WHO CARES
> 
> p.s. I was crying when I wrote this okay. You'll see why

**_Levi_ **

“I’ll see you later then, Levi.”

“Bye, Erwin,” I said.

I walked into my front door and watched as Erwin walked away, probably to his own house. A house that’s cozy and warm, and has a nice family living inside of it. He doesn’t have a corrupted, sarcastic family. If only I could live with him forever.

“I’m home,” I called out, closing the door behind me.

“Finally, you piece of shit,” my adopted sister called out. Her name is Petra, and she’s so fucking annoying it makes me want to hit her, but I can’t because she reminds me of how Eren took in Mikasa, so I don’t want to hurt her in any way. I let her stomp all over me, but only because I don’t want to feel as if I’d make Eren upset if I told her to back the fuck up. “Mom went out to the club. Oh, and some of my friends are coming over, so stay in your room.” I don’t see why my mother is going to a club in the middle of the afternoon on a Monday, and I don’t know why my sister is skipping school, but I don’t really care. I probably should, since she’s a sophomore, but who cares about family in this house? Nobody.

“Yeah, whatever,” I sighed. “Just try not to be too loud. I’m gonna take a nap.” I walked up the stairs in my two-story house and made my way to my room. It was a couple of steps to the left of where the stairs ended. I opened the door and walked in, shutting it and locking it behind me.

My room is black. That’s pretty much the only color I have in there. A black king size bed, a black dresser, black walls, black tiles; pretty much anything and everything is black. Except, for the inside of my closet. Inside it’s green. Why green? Because green is Eren’s favorite color. Not _was_ but it still _is._ I hate thinking about him in past tense, but some things just have to be done that way. However, talking about his favorite color does not.

I sat on my bed and squirmed under the covers. I closed my eyes and tried to think of happy thoughts to help me fall asleep. It never works, but you can never be too sure.

I remember when one day Eren and I stayed at his house and watched a whole marathon of shitty romantic comedies together. It was a Saturday, and everybody had left. I still don’t know why Eren was the only one home, but it doesn’t matter. We got to spend the day alone together, and it was a genuine lazy day full of cuddling, soft kisses, and sleeping in each other’s arms.

Eren had said something like, “What if we were in a rom-com and we just didn’t know it? Like, what if I just broke the fourth wall right now?”

I had pulled his hair and earned a slight whine at the contact, and laughed. “You’re a fucking idiot,” I had said. I had pulled him into a kiss and we just lay on his bed, holding each other because that’s what we did. We always had to have some form of skin touching. We would always hold hands, or I we would walk with my arms wrapped around one of his or with his arm around my waist. It was nice, up until the accident.

The day when the police came, I was home alone with Hanji and Erwin. Mike was out on a family trip, so he wasn’t able to come. We heard a knock on the door and Hanji answered it, calling me to her side after she saw who it was. I was pretty upset, but nothing could have prepared me for what they said. _”We are sorry to inform you that your friend, Eren Jaeger, has died in a car accident along with his other three family members. We believe they died on impact, so there was no suffering.”_ Tears welled up in my eyes and I couldn’t breathe. I fell to the floor and Erwin caught me, and held me up, listening to the things Hanji was asking the police. I wasn’t paying attention. I didn’t care.

I had just lost Eren.

He was gone from me forever.

We would never be able to snuggle or hold hands, or just be together, for that matter.

I could never see him again.

The police left and Erwin carried me over to my couch, lying me down in his lap. I was well aware of how much I was crying, and how much of a mess I may have looked like, but I didn’t really give a shit. Erwin was stroking my hair, and Hanji was sitting beside him, wrapping her arms around me. I spent a good 10 minutes crying like that, but I had started to remember somebody else. Another important person to Eren. How was Armin dealing with this?

I had removed myself from my friends’ grips and dashed for my phone. I had texted Armin telling him that I would be there in a little while, and I had told Hanji and Erwin that I was going out. When I got to Armin’s house, we basically spent the whole day crying and holding each other, but mostly it was me trying to convince him that their death wasn’t his fault. It really wasn’t. Nobody could’ve known that a semi was going to go straight at them. He didn’t even know that Carla was the one driving. It couldn’t have been his fault. Neither of us was prepared for what had happened to the Jaeger family.

I quickly pushed that dreadful memory from my mind and touched my eyes. I was crying. Oh well. I guess it doesn’t hurt to cry myself to sleep, once again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my tumblr is tokiyaismine.tumblr.com so if you wanna chat or ask when im gonna update or something just ask me or whatever idek i just really like talking with people


	8. Secrets Are Revealed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some things happen...

"Today was an interesting day,” Jean muttered. “So, what are we gonna do now?”

“I’d appreciate it if you went home, actually,” I sighed. “You should’ve been at school, away from me, so you can just go home and do whatever you do when you’re there.” I’ve had enough of company, and alone time is my top priority right now. I just want to sleep all day long. Is that too much to ask?

“Not a chance.” I guess it _is_ too much to ask. “My mom will kill me if she finds out I skipped. So, I guess I can spend the rest of the day with you.”

Does he have no mercy? I know I have bags under my eyes for sure, so is he stupid enough to not take the hint? “Or, you can go back to school and claim that you woke up late or something,” I suggested. Seriously, why didn’t I think of that before?

Jean pondered the thought while he sat on my bed next to me. It’s been about 10 minutes since Levi and the others left, so it was just Jean and I. “Only if you come with me,” he stated. So I have two sucky choices. 1) Let Jean stay here with me and do who knows what. 2) Go to school with him where he can’t bother me but I have to deal with tons of bullcrap. Option number one or option number two… Option number two it is.

“Fine,” I sighed. “Hurry up and get your stuff so we can leave.” I guess I’ll have to make up an excuse as to why Jean and I are leaving with our backpacks.

I walked over to the door and picked up my bag from where I left it. Jean opened the door for me, and off we went, heading towards the door. We passed my Grandpa on the way, but I told him that we were gonna go study at Jean’s house. Sometimes I feel bad about lying to him.

“Don’t expect me to talk to you while we’re at school,” I muttered. “I don’t think you want people to give you crap if you’re seen with me, either.” That’s right. When Jean wanted to become friends with me, he must’ve known the casualties that came along with me. I may as well be the thing that ruins his life forever. _Jean: The Queer Faggot Who Hangs Out With The Emo Kid._ Well, even though everybody already knows he’s gay, he’ll still get told a bunch of stuff if he’s seen with me.

“It’s fine,” he said. “Even if you’re not ready, you’ll talk to me eventually. And I don’t really care if people try to give me shit because I’ll just brush them off. Besides, everybody loves me.” Well, at least that’s true. Everybody _does_ love him. Mostly because his parents sometimes let him throw parties, or because he gives people money all the time.

The rest of the walk was spent in silence, and we appeared before school too soon. I don’t want to face Marco, and I definitely don’t want to face those bullies who beat me up behind the school buildings. Mostly because I don’t have any money today. But, luckily, we came when my lunch period was ending and when Jean’s was beginning, so I didn’t have to worry about them.

“I guess I’ll see you later then?”Jean assumed. I nodded my head and turned to walk to my appropriate classroom. Jean was most likely heading to the cafeteria, and I had biology with Professor Bossard. He’s kind of a prick, to be honest.

Well, I would’ve made it to my classroom if I wasn’t stopped outside of the science building. It was those stupid jocks who always take my money. Great.

“So, Arlert,” one of them sighed. He had gray-ish hair, and I don’t know why it was that color, considering he was only in high school. “I heard you were with Jean Kirschtein. You can get away easily if you pay us double the amount you normally give us.” Oh no.

“I, uh, actually didn’t get my allowance today,” I murmured. “Maybe tomorrow?” Please be rational about this. Please, please, please.

“Hanging out with Jean, _and_ you have no money? How pathetic. I guess you’ll just have to pay the price.” Oh god no. They have no pity for me, do they? Those cold, heartless savages. They only take and never give in return. I hope they all rot in hell.

I tried to run away, but a guy with blond hair grabbed the back of my collar and flung me against the wall. I fell to the concrete and the air was knocked out of my lungs. The feeling was all too familiar. But, this time they didn’t stop. I felt somebody kick my side, and I struggled for air, yet again. One of them picked me up and held me in the air, only to punch me in the jaw after a few seconds. I dropped to the ground again, and the thing I dreaded most happened.

I looked down at my arm and saw that my sleeve had slipped a bit above my wrist. I scrambled to cover it, but they noticed and pushed me against the wall. My arms and legs were pinned on the wall, held by two guys. The grey haired one stood before me. He pulled up my left sleeve, and then my right.

“So,” he smirked. “I see we’ve discovered your little secret. It’d be a shame if anyone else found out about your little secret, as well.”

Tears stung the back of my eyes, and my throat hurt as I tried to contain my sobs. “No, please, don’t!” I begged. It was a feeble attempt, and I knew it, but I can’t just give up like that. I’d do anything to have nobody else find out. “Please, don’t tell anybody! I, I can’t l-let anybody else know.”

“Well, if you say so,” he hummed. “Oh, wait. I don’t take orders from emo faggots, so I guess we’ll have to agree to disagree, am I right?” He snapped his fingers and I was dropped from the wall. The pavement felt cold, and I wanted nothing more than to just lie there forever. A kick connected with my side yet again, and I felt the tears roll down my face. “Anorexic shitface. Do everyone a favor and just go fucking die with your other friends.” He knows that these words hurt. He’s just doing it even more because he knows that I cut myself. I shouldn’t take these words seriously, but why do I believe him?

“What the fuck are you doing?” I turned my head to see who was talking, and it hurt, but I was curious. There stood Jean and Marco before me. Jean was walking in front of Marco with his hands crossed, and the freckled boy looked quite hurt, as if he was the one damaged and lying on the ground.

The three guys froze in place, terrified of Marco and the power he held. He could convince his father to expel them all, so he was quite a fearful person, even though he’s extremely gentle and kind.

Jean spotted me on the floor and turned to whisper something in Marco’s ear before he came to my side. Next thing I knew, I was feeling even more pain from the movement of my body being picked up. It hurt a lot, but I’m used to pain from countless beatings and burnings, so I didn’t pay much mind to it. Jean was holding me bridal style and walked over to where Marco was talking to the three guys who just beat the crap out of me.

“You three should be ashamed,” Marco scolded. “I don’t even know what my father will do to you. Just hope that he doesn’t expel you!” Marco could be scary when he was upset, partly because he could give the scolding of a lifetime, but more so that he kind of went into some ‘mom phase’. It’s scary having a second mom that’s only good for making you feel bad for what you did.

I already slid my sleeves down, so I felt that I was safe enough to move my arms. “Wait,” I called out. “Please, don’t tell the principal.”

“But why?” Jean asked. _Why?_ They could tell the staff in the office about my scars, and then who knows where they’ll send me. I can’t have that happening. I don’t need to be sent to some mental hospital, and I definitely don’t want to see a counselor. They’ll think it’s stupid of me to have coped with the Jaeger’s death like this, and I don’t need somebody to confirm that for me.

“Just, please, don’t.” If I tell them why in front of these guys, they’re bound to tell a teacher. “Besides, I’m fine. There’s no need to get administration in this if I’m not hurt.” Lying yet again, Armin. I ought to stop that.

“Let them go, Marco,” Jean said.

“But, Jean,-“

“Just let them go!” Either Jean has caught on to what happened, or he trusts me way too much. Either one is fine, really.

“If you say so,” Marco muttered. He turned to the trio and sighed. “You’re lucky Armin doesn’t want you guys to get in trouble. Now, leave.” The three nodded and ran away, most likely to try to find a new victim.

Jean placed me on the ground and examined my face for nonexistent cuts and bruises. “What did they do to you?” he asked. He felt my head and moved my hair around to try and find any bumps, but my guess was that he found none.

“Nothing, really,” I assured. Well, besides probably messing up my life more than it already is, everything is fine. “They only roughed me up a bit, but that’s it. I’m used to it, so don’t worry. The pain is already gone.” Well, it’s mostly gone. It’ll probably take another 15 minutes for it to go away completely.

“They know, don’t they?” Jean whispered. Maybe because he didn’t want Marco to hear, or maybe because it’s the sad truth. I nodded my head and turned away, focusing my eyes on the ground. It was because of my own incompetence that got me in this mess, but Jean is the one who feels he needs to get me out. He’s always been like that; always helping his friends in their time of need, no matter the problem. I really didn’t want to drag anyone into my screwed up life, but Jean let himself in without any warning. He’s the sunshine to my rainy day, and I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.

“Do they always do this to you?” Marco asked. I had almost forgotten he was here. Almost. 

“Well, not recently,” I said. “They used to, but now they only take my money. Well, except for today, that is.” Right when I thought luck was coming my way, everything went downhill. Not just downhill, but I think I may have hit Rock Bottom. “But, it doesn’t matter anymore. I should probably be getting to class, considering I’m already late.”

“Do you need help getting there?” Jean asked. He’s a nice guy, but sometimes he just annoys me with how selfless he can be.

“No, I’m fine.”

~

News spreads fast around school.

After sitting through biology class, I walked out into the hallway to see people pointing at me, and people were whispering in each other’s ears. Everybody was already talking about me.

I wrapped my right hand over my left arm and walked faster, trying to get out of the building as soon as possible. People made a path for me, and I bet it was only so they could get a good look at me.

As soon as I got out of the building, I texted Levi.

**Me:** _Bad news_

I put the phone back into my pocket and made my way to my next class. I had history with Mr. Gin, and that lasted two class periods, so I would be there the rest of the day. My phone buzzed in my pocket, and I took it back out. I don’t know why I put it away in the first place, actually.

**Levi:** _What happened this time?_

**Me:** _I got the crap beat out of me again and those guys saw my cuts Now just about the whole school knows_

**Levi:** _Holy shit. Sorry to say this, but you’re fucked._

**Levi:** _If ANYBODY gives you shit then you better come and tell me, alright? I don’t care if it’s a fucking freshman; I will beat their ass until they wind up in the hospital. I’m not putting up with this anymore._

**Me:** _You got it_

I put the phone back into my pocket and walked into the history building, and surprise! More stares, whispers, and pointing. Hopefully I can last the rest of the day.

~

The rest of the day was also spent with me being stared and pointed at. I feel as if I’m the only painting in an art museum. A really bad art museum.

I walked out of the building and started walking home. It was really uncomfortable. Everybody was watching me, and some people actually came up to me and asked if they could see my arms. Nice to know that nobody at this school is considerate.

“Fag!” someone yelled out. I’m starting to think that could be my actual name. Come on Grandpa, let’s go change my name to _Faggot “Fag” Arlert._ It’s not a bad choice really.

“What the fuck did you just say, dipshit?” And of course, that voice could only belong to Levi. Apparently, he had come to pick me up from school, which was completely unnecessary. The guy who shouted at me had ducked his head down and tried to blend into the crowd of people trying to leave this hellhole. “That’s what I fucking thought.”

“What are you doing here?” I asked him. We walked alongside each other, our pace a tad bit faster than normal.

“I wanted to make sure you wouldn’t get jumped, again,” he stated. “It looks like I’ll just have to be with you more often.

“No, you don’t,” I complained. “I’m fine, okay? Don’t worry. I’ve been doing okay since the incident, and all I have to do is ignore them.” Easier said than done.

“But you can’t ignore them forever. Sooner or later, they’ll get to you. It’s better for you to rely on somebody else, you know? Even if it’s just for a little while, it’d make us all happy. None of us want you to deal with your problems on your own, so you can always ask us to deal with some problems that you have. Especially if it means beating the shit out of those filthy people.”

Levi’s right. I know I can’t deal with any of this on my own, and I know that they’ll just get me to do something overboard. But, I really don’t want them to worry about me. Even if I don’t tell them anything, they’ll still end up being concerned about me, more so than usual. There’s no winning.

“I’m not letting you get suspended, again. Erwin, Hanji, and Mike have only been suspended 5 times. And that’s after putting all of their suspensions together. You’ve already been suspended 8 times, and the next time you go to the office, you’re getting expelled. I don’t want you getting kicked out of school because of me.”

“Whatever,” he sighed. “Just, come to me if you have any problems, okay? I bet I’ll be able to scare people enough that I won’t even need to use violence to get them to go away.”

“Yeah,” I mumbled. The rest of the walk was spent in silence, and it ended way too quickly.

“I guess I’ll see you tomorrow at school then,” Levi said. He wrapped his arms around me and gave me a tight squeeze before letting me walk into the house.

“See you, Levi,” I whispered. I walked through the door and closed it behind me, greeting my guardian.

“How was studying with your friend?” Grandpa asked. I had forgotten that I said I went to Jean’s house to study.

“It was great!” I exclaimed. “His mom made cookies, so that was really good.” Maybe I should make cookies. I’m not bad at baking, so why not?

“That’s wonderful,” he agreed. “I bet you already ate there, too, so you don’t want dinner, huh?”

“Yeah, sorry, Grandpa,” I apologized. I walked over to my room and locked the door behind me. At least he expected for me to say no to dinner. It doesn’t make lying all that bad anymore.

I threw off my sweater vest and white shirt into the hamper and fished through one of my drawers to find a blade. After rummaging around for a few seconds, I plucked one out and grabbed my red rag and walked over to sit on my bed.

I placed the cold silver onto my skin, taking in the coldness it had. I pressed into the skin harder and harder until a drop of blood showed. I swiped the blade across my forearm and watched as the blood slowly trickled down my skin and onto the side of my arm. I turned my arm over, and sure enough, the blood dripped down.

I sliced into my skin about seven more times before putting the blade into my left hand. I looked over to my right arm and saw how sloppy the lines were. I’m less coordinated with my left hand, so it’s no wonder those scars are messier than the ones on my left arm.

I quickly hacked away at my arm until I saw six new cuts. The blood welled up in droplets and accumulated before I wiped it away with the rag. But, soon enough, the droplets quickly resurfaced and I was left with more blood to deal with.

It took a while for the cuts to stop bleeding, but when most of them closed up I grabbed the gauze from the top bunk and wrapped it around the freshly made wounds. I don’t need them to open up while I’m asleep.

I put the gauze away and walked over to my closet to put on a blue sweatshirt (that belonged to Eren) and changed out of my pants so I could put on a pair of black sweats (that belonged to Mikasa). I turned off the lights and lay down on my bed.

I just cut myself even more.

New wounds for anyone who wanted to see.

I’m such an idiot.

Hopefully tomorrow won’t be as bad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if u wanna talk, find me at tokiyaismine.tumblr.com
> 
> or just ask for my skype in the comments i dont really care


	9. Not Yet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Armin goes in for the kill.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is absolute crap im sorry

Today was worse than yesterday, and I’m only halfway through the day.

In first period, a group of guys got their hands on some scissors and pretended to cut themselves, never breaking contact with my eyes. In second period, a group of girls “strangled” themselves with their necklaces, probably imitating that of a noose. But, I would have to say that third period was the worst.

I was sitting in the back row, in a desk next to one of the corners in the class and I had noticed that people were passing one particular note. Usually, everybody would pass around something different, but they were all writing on the same folded up piece of paper. About ten minutes until class ended, the note made its way to me. The guy who passed it had whispered, “This is for you, Arlert.” I opened up the paper and it was the worst thing I had ever seen.

The note was covered in little messages to me. _”Kill yourself, already.” “What are you waiting for?” “Why don’t you just die with that Aaron kid?” “Nobody needs you.” “Eww, stay away from me. I don’t need to catch your faggot germs.” “Everybody would be better off without you. Murderer.”_ There were more, but those are the ones that stood out the most.

The sad part was that I didn’t know if they actually meant it, or if they were just trying to act cool and stay with their own clique. Maybe they did mean it.

And now, here I am in fourth period. I really want to leave and go see Levi, or anybody, but I have no classes with them. I have none with the seniors, since they’re a whole grade ahead of me, and I don’t have any with Jean, because he chose to take different majors. Great.

I sat through the rest of class, waiting for my teacher to release us to lunch so I could go and find a place to hide.

When she did release us, I made sure to be the first one out of class. I walked fast through the halls and tried to ignore the eyes planted on me. I heard people’s whispers about me, and some people actually shouted at me. Either this is the excitement they need, or I’m really just as worthless as they say.

I sat outside, leaning my back on a building. Maybe I could just wait for somebody to find me and let them have their own fun with me. It takes no effort, and they’ll be confirming what I already know. It’ll be my very own slap to reality.

I probably won’t run into Levi, Hanji, Erwin, or Mike since I don’t know when they have their lunch. And Jean is out of the question since he has his lunch right when mine ends. It’s confusing.

I have my lunch right after fourth period. Jean has his lunch halfway during fifth period. And I think Levi has his during fourth period or after fifth period, but I don’t really know. The lunch times aren’t really sorted by grade. It’s more like by teachers.

I closed my eyes and sighed. Maybe I could just be homeschooled. I could probably hire a teacher to come to my house, so that’s always another option in case I don’t want to come to school anymore. Well, I still don’t want to come here, but I kind of have to. If I want my education, that is.

“Armin.”

I looked up to see where the voice was coming from. It was the one and only, Annie Leonhardt. We used to be friends in elementary school, but we kind of drifted apart. She still says “hi” to me and stuff like that, though.

“Oh, hey, Annie,” I greeted. I smiled and hoped that she couldn’t see through it. “What are you doing here?”

She sat down next to me and leaned her head on my shoulder. “I hear you’re going through some tough times,” she said. “I know I seem like I don’t care, but I care about you a lot, Armin.”

“Its fine, Annie. It really is. I can ignore them.”

“Are you sure?” Annie lifted her head up and looked me in the eyes; a thing she only did when she was being serious. “I know you have a friend that’s a year older than us, but he’s a guy, right? I also know he’s been suspended for fighting. So since he can only hit guys, you can always call me to beat the crap out of some girls for you.” What’s up with everybody and violence? Can’t they just threaten them or something?

“I’m not sure about that,” I laughed. “But if it makes you happy, then you can, I guess?” Annie nodded and rested her head on my shoulder again. She isn’t one to really talk much, and she doesn’t do anything involving physical contact, (except for fighting) so I can tell that she must be bothered by this. I also know that she left her other friends, Reiner and Bertholdt, so this must really be getting on her nerves.

We sat in silence until it was time for us to go. It was a really awkward silence.

The rest of the day was a bit foggy to me since I wasn’t really paying attention to anything or anyone. Well, except for the part where I got beat up, yet again.

I was about to leave, and I had convinced Levi that he didn’t need to walk with me, so I was alone. I was passing by the same alley that Jean I talked in when somebody pulled me into it.

It was only one person who pulled me in, and it was this guy named Matt. He had really short blonde hair and green eyes, and we used to be acquaintances. He was a nice guy, but I guess him being slightly nice to me was something too good to be true.

“Sorry, Armin,” he whispered.

I was thrown to the floor and he stomped on my legs repeatedly. He kicked my arms, my chest, and everywhere else except for my face. We can’t have people know about this meeting, can we?

I lay slumped on the floor, letting him hit me and do whatever else he wanted until he stopped about five minutes later. He just stopped all of a sudden and walked away. Maybe somebody made him do this to me. I’d understand if he didn’t do this out of his own free will, but either way, he’s just like everybody else.

When I arrived at my house (it took a while) I told my grandfather that I wasn’t feeling good, so that’s a good excuse to get me away from eating dinner. I locked myself away in my room and lay down on my bed.

When people suddenly find out that you cut yourself, they think its okay to make you feel worse about yourself. Everybody thinks this is just one big game. Nobody thinks about the consequences. They wouldn’t care if I died. I’d be better off out of this world anyways, right? I’m just a waste of space. That’s all I ever was.

I left my room and went into the bathroom. I opened the cabinet over the sink and started moving everything around. Band-aids, soap, ibuprofen, and a whole bunch of other bathroom stuff. I finally stopped searching when my fingers wrapped around an orange medicine bottle. The label was messed up, so I don’t know what it is. Whatever. As long as I have pills.

I grabbed the cup that was on the sink and filled it with water, bringing it to my room when I had everything I needed. I closed the door, not bothering to lock it since I was going to be long gone anyway.

I heard a knock coming from the front door, but Grandpa could get it. That person could be the distraction I needed.

I sat on the floor and set the water next to me and fumbled with the top. It’s not twisting. My breathing picked up and my fingers were shaking. I can’t get the bottle open. I can’t reach those white pills. My fingers opened the bottle not even a second before somebody stepped into my room. I looked up at the door and Jean was standing there. What’s he doing here?

He dropped his stuff by the door and ran towards me. He knelt beside me and tried to grab the bottle from my hand. I brought it closer to my stomach and leaned over, making sure he couldn’t reach it.

“Stop!” I yelled. “I need these! Please, just let me die already!” I’ve never been this desperate before, and I guess school was the thing to push me over the edge. “Let me go… Please, Jean.”

“I’m not letting you leave, Armin!” Jean screamed. Somewhere along the way I had started crying, and while the sobs wracked my body, Jean took it as the chance the grab the bottle from me and throws it across the room. “I’m gonna help you get through this.”

Jean wrapped his arms around me and rubbed circles on my back with his thumb. “You can do it,” he whispered. “You’re stronger than them when it comes to this, so you just have to see how long you can last. They’ll get tired of this soon; you’ll see.”

But I don’t want to keep going. I want to end it all. That’s what they want, right? It’s what I want, too. I don’t want to face any of them anymore. Just let me die. “I don’t think I can last very long,” I said. I don’t want to see any of them anymore. I just want to lie down and sleep. For a long time, if not forever.

“Do you want to tell Levi about this?” he asked.

“Can you do it? I think he has the right to know, but I don’t think I can bring myself to tell him.” What’s Levi going to tell me? He’s going to be so disappointed. I haven’t tried to kill myself since last month, and this was the most progress I’ve made. I’m sorry I’m such a fuckup.

We stayed sitting on the floor for a few more minutes until I noticed something. “Where’s my grandpa?” I really hope he didn’t hear all the noise I was making.

“He said he needed to go to the store, but he didn’t want to leave you here alone, so he wanted me to keep you company while he was out.” That explains a lot.

I broke away from Jean and crawled over to where the empty medicine bottle lay. I picked up some pills and put them into the bottle before Jean crawled over as well and started helping me. “Do you want me to stay for a little while longer?” Jean asked when we were done cleaning.

“No, its fine,” I said. “I think I’m just gonna go to sleep early tonight.” I don’t want to have to remember the incident that happened today, so it’s best if I just go to bed.

“Alright,” he mumbled. “I guess I’ll see you tomorrow, then. Call me if you need anything.” I was about to tell him that I didn’t have his number when he covered my mouth with his hand. “Levi took your phone a couple of days ago and put my number in it. We just forgot to tell you.” How was I supposed to know? I don’t just go through my contacts to see if anybody new popped up.

I nodded and stood up from the floor. “See you then,” I said. Jean stood up after me and walked to the door and grabbed his stuff.

Once Jean left, I got into my bed and forced myself to sleep. I wouldn’t want to risk doing anything drastic if I was awake.

But, I couldn’t shake the thought of what would have happened if I swallowed the pills in time. Maybe I can find out soon enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you can find me at tokiyaismine.tumblr.com so yeah  
> ask me stuff on there if u need to


	10. Let's Have a Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Armin and Levi have a rather... depressing talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so in case you were confused about how Armin's house looked or whatever, I made a little thing!! here it is~  
> http://tokiyaismine.tumblr.com/post/67411220285/more-where-armins-room-and-his-grandpas
> 
> oh and if you want me to make one for Armin's room, you can go ahead and ask me to do it or something ^.^

“I said sorry!”

“Sorry wouldn’t have brought you back if you died!”

I sat down on my bed in the grasp of Levi’s arms. Sometime during the school day, Jean told Levi about my failed suicide attempt. So after school, Levi insisted he come to my house. But all he’s been doing is scolding me for even getting my hands on the pill bottle.

“I know!” I yelled. “I know I would’ve been gone forever, but that’s what they want, right? They don’t want me alive! I don’t want me alive.” It was just Levi and I in the house today since my grandfather was visiting an old friend of his for the next couple of days.

“But what about me?” Levi whined. “I want you alive! Can’t you just let me be selfish and keep you here? I don’t want you gone, Armin.” I like it when Levi’s here since I can talk to him about anything and everything that’s on my mind.

“But I’m the one suffering for it. I’m the one who’s going through all this pain. I don’t want to live like this anymore, Levi. I don’t want to have to deal with anybody. Why can’t you guys just grant me that wish and let me die already?”

“Because that’s one wish that can’t be undone!” That’s the loudest I’ve heard Levi yell at me before. Even when he’s really mad at me, he never raises his voice that loud. “Once it’s done, then it’s done! There’s no going back! We’ll never get to see you again. I don’t think I’m ready for that.”

Levi was crying, and I was crying, and it was just really messy with all of the tears. We could only be like this around each other, though. It was nice getting our feelings out like this, but it also brought out our worst.

“Do I have to go on?” I whispered. “Do I really absolutely have to?”

“Yes, you do,” Levi answered. “You have such a bright future ahead of you, Armin. You can get a great job, you’ll have lots of money, and you’ll get a nice spouse, too. You don’t need to ruin it for yourself this early in life. You have so much potential, but you can’t see it. I can see it. Everybody can see it. But you just can’t think of yourself that way, even though you’re practically perfect already.”

He’s lying. He has to be. None of this is true. “I don’t have a future,” I mumbled. “I’m dead already. Rotting from the inside. I’m dying slowly, Levi. I know you can see it. It’s just a matter of time now.” Even if I don’t die from an overdose, hanging myself, or cutting too deep, I’m still dying right now. The starvation is killing me slowly, and unless I eat a healthy amount of food, I’ll be gone. It’ll take a while since I still eat somewhat, but I’m just a ticking time bomb, waiting to go off.

Levi squeezed his arms around me tighter and rested his chin on my shoulder. “Don’t talk like that,” he complained. “It’s scary knowing that you want to die this badly and I can’t do anything about it. I want to help you, but you won’t accept my help.”

“I’m a lost cause,” I said in a monotone voice. Even my voice sounds dead right now. “You can’t fix what’s already broken, so you might as well stop trying. It’s useless. I can’t be saved.”

“Armin, don’t talk like that. You know what it’s like to be happy, and I know you liked how it felt. So why not try to be happy again? It’ll do you some good.”

I can’t be happy since I’m a murderer. I killed four people, and yet people gave me sympathy. I don’t deserve it. I don’t need it. I killed them and it’s my fault they’re not here anymore. I shouldn’t have been pitied. I should have been treated like how I am right now. Like a monster.

“I don’t deserve happiness,” I said, my voice still sounding dead. “I inflicted pain on others, so I’m just getting my end of the stick. Karma is what I deserve, so karma is what I get. It’s only right.”

“You don’t have to die, though!” Levi protested. “You can use any means to cope with your pain, but you don’t need to die. Just be grateful that I haven’t thrown all your blades and lighters away!”

He’s right. I _should_ be grateful that he lets me hurt myself at all. There are some people who don’t want their friends to self harm, so they take away all their tools, but they only end up making things worse.

“Well then can I ask a favor of you?” I asked.

“What kind of favor?”

“If things get too bad for me, and you let me, can I die? If I can’t take the pain any longer, and you can see that I can’t, then will you let me kill myself? Let me bring death upon myself if things get too painful for me.” It’s not the best favor to ask, but it’s what I want. I know Levi would rather see me dead and happy than alive and suffering.

He paused for a couple of seconds, and I really wish I was facing him so I can see what emotions are spreading across his face. I want to know how he feels about this. “Only if I allow it,” he said; his voice breaking from sobs. “If I see that you’re no longer functional in the real world, only then will I let you kill yourself.” Those words shouldn’t make me happy, so why do they? I should be upset that Levi would let me die, so why am I so happy about it? He shouldn’t have said that. But, yes he should have. What answer was I expecting? No, because I want him to be overprotective of me. Yes, because I want to know that somebody would let me escape this world. I don’t even know which answer I wanted to hear from his mouth. Either way, I might not last long enough for him to give his approval. I’ll be dead before he tells me I can die. It’s not like his answer matters, really. So why do I rely so heavily on it?

“Thank you,” I whispered.

We sat there on my bed the rest of the day. Levi was holding me in his arms, and we were both crying messes. Not very manly of us. But, it felt good. I liked getting my feelings out every once in a while, and only Levi is capable of helping me do that.

I fell asleep in his arms, but I was soon awakened by the aroma of food coming from the kitchen. My stomach growled rather loudly, and I sat up from where I was laying. It must be dinner time, so that means I have to eat. It’s not a choice around Levi. It’s either I eat my food or I get my legs broken, and I really love walking. But I don’t really mind eating if the food is made by Levi. It tastes good, and I’m really hungry, actually.

I grabbed the blue blanket from my bed, wrapped it around me, and looked at the clock on my wall. It was already 6:54.

I walked into the kitchen and saw Levi cooking chicken on the stove. He was putting vegetables in the pan, but I wouldn’t eat those. They’re really gross like that.

I sat down on one of the chairs seated at the table and rested my head on it. It felt cold under my skin, and it made me wrap the blanket around me tighter.

“I assume you’re gonna spend the night?” I said.

Levi opened a cabinet and took out two glass plates. “Yeah,” he sighed. “I don’t want to leave you here alone, and I really don’t want to go back to my place. Plus your house is closer to school than mine.” He placed each chicken on its own individual plate and grabbed a knife. He started to chop both of them up into little bite size pieces.

I picked my head up and was quite surprised to see that Levi already put silverware on the table. “I also assume that you’re gonna sleep on the top bunk?” He set my plate down in front of me and brought his over to his seat next to me.

“Damn right I am,” he muttered. “Your couch is uncomfortable as fuck.”

We ate our meal in silence after that, and every few seconds I could see Levi look over at me to make sure I was eating. My portion was considerably smaller than his, but I only managed to eat about ¾ of it.

When we were finished, Levi put the plates in the sink and let them sit in dish water before coming back to the room with me. 

Earlier the mood had been quite comfortable, but now I was reminded of that depressing talk we had earlier. I could tell that Levi remembered it, too, because he got tenser than he was before. It’s hard having to remember such deep things we talk about, but it has to be done, right?

“You better wake me up for school tomorrow,” Levi grumbled. “If you don’t, I swear I will chop off that blond hair of yours.” He crawled up the ladder onto the top bunk and I made my way into my bed.

“Whatever you say, _Mom_ ,” I joked. I like how Levi and I can be serious at times, yet act like it never happened. It doesn’t put as much pressure on me as if I were talking to somebody and they would remind me of all the depressing things we tell each other. I feel safe around Levi.

I spent almost the whole night thinking about our talk earlier. Levi had fallen asleep an hour after we went to bed, but I stayed up for a while. I couldn’t stop replaying the evening’s events in my mind. But eventually, I did fall asleep.

But I had one thing on my mind.

_”If I see that you’re no longer functional in the real world, only then will I let you kill yourself.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always, you can talk to me at tokiyaismine.tumblr.com


	11. Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Armin and Levi bring up some memories.

It was Friday now, and thankfully the week had gone by fast.

As soon as the bell rang, everybody got up from their seats and left while I stayed behind. I don’t like to get caught in that crowd of people, so I always stay behind and wait for everybody to leave. I made my way through the hallways as soon as everybody left and headed towards the exit of the building when one of my other teachers called me into her room. Her name is Ms. Lenz. She’s really pretty and nice, and she has a girlfriend according to all of the rumors here at school.

“Is there something wrong?” she asked.

“What do you mean?” Don’t tell me she’s noticed. Other teachers probably know, too, but they won’t come and say anything to my face.

“I see the way people look at you,” she said, her voice low and quiet. “And I always see that you have that sad look on your face. Are your classmates bullying you by any chance?” She noticed. But, does Ms. Lenz actually care about me, or does she think that by not asking me will ruin her conscience? Well maybe she does, considering the fact that she told me to go into her classroom when this talk could have waited until Monday.

I played with my fingers behind my back and managed a tiny smile. “Nobody’s bullying me,” I said, trying to keep my tone at least a slight bit happy. “It’s just that these past few days have been really hard on me since I’ve been remembering some painful things. It’s nothing to worry about. I’m sure it’ll pass by next week.”

“Well, if you say so,” she muttered. “But if you wanna talk, you can always come to me.”

“Sure thing.” I walked out of the classroom as fast as I could without it being noticeable and went to go find Levi. We were supposed to go visit the Jaegers today.

When I did find him, he was in front of the school. In a tree.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“Erwin said I couldn’t climb this thing,” he stated. “He was wrong, and now I’m trying to get down.” He says that as if it’s completely normal.

“Well hurry up, or I’m leaving without you." I walked away and heard a thump before Levi was walking alongside me. “Did he just leave you in that tree?”

“Yeah,” Levi sighed. “He was like, ‘ _Hey, Levi. I bet you can’t climb that tree._ ’ and so I said, ‘You’re fucking wrong.’ And then Hanji started agreeing with Erwin and Mike said, ‘ _I dare you to climb that tree, then._ ’ And when I eventually got up it, Erwin told the other dorks to leave me up there.”

“Sounds rough,” I laughed.

“My back still hurts,” he complained. “Oh, yeah. Have you talked to that Jean kid lately?” Whenever Levi mentions Jean, I get this weird feeling inside my chest. Regret? Hate? I can’t pinpoint exactly what the feeling is, but it’s associated with that night when I tried to kill myself. I wish I hadn’t have even gotten my hands on those pills, yet I hate that Jean came when he did. If he had come a couple of minutes later, then I could have done it. But yet, I’m glad he came at the right time. I hate that he found me out, but I love that he did. I just can’t make up my mind about him.

“I talked to him yesterday. We’re going to hang out tomorrow somewhere downtown.” Levi poked me in the side and winked. I guess it’s time for his bubbly personality to show itself.

“So it’s a date,” he sang. “Are you gonna kiss him? What’re you gonna do, Bowlie? You’re gonna cuddle, I just know it.”

“Levi,” I sighed. “Shopping for clothes isn’t a date. I am not going to kiss him in the store. I can’t cuddle with him in the store, either. And how many times have I told you to stop calling me Bowlie?” Levi made that nickname for me due to my haircut. He hasn’t used it in two months, so why is he now remembering it?

“It’s a date. It’s a date and you can’t tell me otherwise.” Levi put his hands in front of him and began counting off of his fingers. “And I think you’ve told me seven times.”

“Eight times, actually,” I corrected. We spent the rest of the walk in silence since there was nothing else to talk about. 

After we I dropped my bag off at my house, Levi and I walked to the cemetery.

“You know,” Levi muttered. “It’s almost that time of the year again.” He put his hands in the pockets of his pants and let his thumbs hang out.

“Yeah,” I mumbled. It’ll be the fifth month anniversary of the Jaegers’ death on Halloween. Whereas Levi and I used to look forward to this holiday, we can’t seem to enjoy it anymore. It’s the anniversary of somebody’s death, so how could we be able to celebrate? “I was thinking about spending it at the grave since nobody goes to that area of the cemetery.”

“Maybe I’ll stay with you,” he said. “We can bring like candy and some other shit. Tease Eren with it because his ass doesn’t need any more damn cavities.”

I laughed and covered my mouth with my hand. “Only you would be able to count how many cavities he has. I bet it’s cause your tongue wa—“ Levi punched my arm softly and huffed out a breath.

“Or maybe it’s because we went to the dentist together one time and I fucking saw a picture of the inside of his mouth, you jerk.” I can just imagine Eren laughing at us.

“By the way,” I mumbled. “Did Eren tell you about the time when he first saw you?”

“Oh please share,” he laughed. “The fucking brat kept telling me about how stoic he was.” Eren you big fat liar.

“You remember how we all saw each other in that mall, right?” Levi nodded. “Well Eren saw you shopping with Erwin and he was like, _Armin look at that guy._ And then I looked over and I thought he was talking about Erwin but then he said, _Not him, idiot. The other one. I should ask him out._ I kept telling Eren not to since you guys didn’t even know each other, but he kept telling me to shut up because we went to the same school.

“That’s when Mikasa started telling Eren not to bother you and to quit being stupid before she broke his legs so he couldn’t walk anywhere. He waved Mikasa off and was about to walk up to you when he tripped on his foot and fell. He made Mikasa and I pick him up because he didn’t want you to see him like that, and he’s been scared you’d find out about that ever since.” Levi was rubbing his temples with his finger and a smile was splayed across his face.

“Oh my god,” he groaned. “That was him? Erwin and I saw some kid fall but I never knew it was the three of you guys over there since you were all wearing hoodies. Erwin and I were fucking laughing our asses off. I can’t believe that was Eren. That kid has tons of shit to be embarrassed about.”

We arrived at the cemetery, and I was grateful that we weren’t in such a bad mood like always. It’ll be nice to talk about fun things instead of all the depressing stuff we usually talk about.

Levi and I made our way to the family grave and leaned against the wall next to it. “Hey there, Jaegers,” Levi greeted. “Long time no see.”

“Hey,” I said. Plain as day, like always. Well, I’m not really used to being around Levi while I visit. I guess I just don’t know what to expect.

“Hey, Eren,” Levi said. “Remember that time you tried to bake a cake for your mom, but you ended up dropping it before it could get in the oven?”

Oh my god. Eren had wanted to make something for Carla on her birthday, and Levi had insisted that he, I, or Mikasa put it in the oven. Eren refused profusely and when he tried to put it in the oven, he tripped and it fell on the floor. Mikasa and I had to clean it up while Levi helped Eren pick flowers at a local flower shop.

“Does Mrs. Jaeger even know that happened?” I laughed. “If she doesn’t, then sorry Eren.” His mom had smelled something weird the day after he dropped the batter, and I don’t think we ever got the chance to tell her what had happened.

“That’s like when Eren and I were at my house and we had to make cupcakes for my little sister, but when we put the pan in the oven, the cupcakes spilled everywhere. Eren put too much batter in it and we ended up having to clean the oven together.”

Levi and I were laughing, sharing stories about how embarrassing Eren was.

“Oh god,” I laughed. “When Eren and I were about seven years old, we were home alone because Mr. and Mrs. Jaeger took Mikasa shopping for clothes. His mom had told us to mop and do the dishes, but when Eren tried mopping, he spilled water and soap all over the house and he got grounded for like two weeks.”

“Oh my fucking god,” Levi chuckled. “Eren is the most idiotic and embarrassing guy I’ve ever known.”

We spent the rest of the night at the cemetery reminiscing about the times when Eren, Mikasa, and the rest of the family were alive and breathing. But this visit was different. Instead of it being sad and upsetting, Levi and I had shared fun and touching moments there. It felt nice.

It felt as if I was… slightly happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you can find me at tokiyaismine.tumblr.com so yeah


	12. Friends Are Fun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Armin and Jean go to the mall.

“I already told you that I’m not wearing pink!”

“Come on! Just once! Then I promise I won’t make you wear it again!”

Jean stood in front of me holding a pink sweater in his hands. It was funny how much it stood out compared next to his clothes. He was wearing blue jeans that almost looked black, and he had on a gray shirt with a few buttons on it, whereas the sweater that was placed in front of him was a bright pink color.

“Why should I?” I asked. Let’s see what I can get out of Jean if I put on the sweater. He’s been begging me to put it on for the last five minutes, so he’s bound to give me a reward.

“I’ll buy you anything of your choice as long as it isn’t over $50,” he replied. “The price can range as long as it is equal to or less than the maximum amount. What do ya say, Arlert?” Anything I want, huh… I’ll have to hold him against that. Let’s just see what he’ll buy me.

“Alright,” I agreed. “But you’re gonna regret saying that.” I plucked the sweater from his hands and went into the dressing room that we just so happened to be standing in front of. It’s like Jean planned for me to put on the stupid clothing article.

I locked the door behind me and placed the sweater on the seat. Thankfully I was wearing a short sleeve green shirt (that was Eren’s) and a black jacket over it (that belonged to Mikasa). Now all I need to do is put the sweater on over it.

I unzipped the jacket, took it off, and put the pink sweater on over the green shirt. It’s really uncomfortable, and I thought the sweater was supposed to feel way softer than it did. But at least it gave my arms some room to move around.

I unlocked the door and opened it slowly, making sure there was nobody else around. “Jean,” I called out. “I have the sweater on, so can I take it off?” Said friend turned around from where he was looking at shirts and smiled.

“Oh god,” he laughed. “Fuck I don’t know why I wanted that on you. This is fucking priceless.”

“Hah hah hah,” I said, voice monotone and dripping in sarcasm. “I’m taking it off, you jerk.”

“Can I at least take a picture?” Jean asked.

“No way in hell.”

I went back into the dressing room and looked at myself in the mirror. This looked really weird on me. It’s like there’s taffy covering my arms and chest, and I just can’t believe anyone would make something like this. I think they even had 10 more on the clothing rack.

I took it off and pulled my jacket on quickly and went back over to where Jean was standing. I was about to put the sweater back on its hanger, but he took it out of my hands and winked.

“No way,” I muttered. “No, no, no, no, no.”

“You best believe it,” Jean chuckled.

And now he’s buying the stupid thing.

“I hate you so much,” I mumbled. My arms were crossed and my lips were pursed together.

“Come on, Armin,” Jean pleaded. “You don’t have to wear it. It even fit you big so maybe Levi could fit in it.” Levi, huh? Oh god no. 

I covered my mouth with one hand and tried to hold in as much laughter as possible. “Are you kidding me?!” I laughed. “Levi wears nothing but black! Imagining him wearing that is just… wrong.”

“You smiled,” Jean pointed out. He poked my cheek with his finger and I made my mouth look like it was holding a bubble, much like how I did in preschool. “Anyways, we should go get something to drink. I don’t wanna have to look for a concession stand while we’re out shopping. We’re by the food court anyways, so how about it?”

“Why are you even asking me?” I grumbled. “You’re the one with the car. It’s not like I can leave you.”

“Hey! I’m just being polite. Don’t get your thong in a knot.”

“I think you mean, ‘panties in a twist.’”

Jean smiled wrapped his arm around my neck. “No,” he said. “I think you’d wear a thong if you were a girl.”

“And I think you’d wear old lady underwear,” I muttered. Jean removed his arm from my neck and pulled a strand of my hair.

“You’re so mean,” he pouted.

After going to the food court and both of us getting vanilla shakes, we set off to find a special shop. Well, I did, at least. Jean was just following me around.

“Can you at least tell me where we’re going?” he complained. “What if you’re taking me to Victoria’s Secret? I don’t wanna go there.”

“Relax,” I said. “I’d never go there. I’m taking you to a tattoo parlor.”

Jean stopped walking and I turned around to face him. “Hold it right there,” he ordered. He put both of his hands in front of him, but one of them was holding a shake and the other had a bag in its grasp. “You’re telling me this mall has a fucking tattoo parlor?”

“Uh yeah,” I said as if it were the most obvious thing ever. “This place has a sex shop next to a Disney store, and you’re questioning the existence of a tattoo shop?”

Unbelievable.

“Well, what are we going to do at a tattoo shop?”

“We’re getting your ear pierced,” I stated. “It’s part of the deal you made me. The process itself costs $10 and the piercing itself costs $5. So, you’re only spending $15 on me.”

“Wow,” he sighed. “You’re fucking evil, aren’t you?” Disbelief was shown on his face. He thinks I won’t make him get it pierced. What an idiot.

Eren made that same mistake. I’d told him that he was getting his eyebrow pierced, and he didn’t believe that I would make him do it until it was actually happening. They never expect me to go through with these plans.

“I told you that you’d regret it,” I chimed.

~

“My ear still hurts,” Jean whined. “Why did I even do this?” Jean got the upper part of his ear pierced; the part where it’s just cartilage. I forgot what it was called, but I don’t think I need to remember it, either.

“It’s not like you absolutely had to,” I said. “But you chose to comply with my wishes. Simple as that. But, don’t take it out. It’s a waste of money if you do.” Jean had put a silver hoop through the hole in his ear. Not a bad choice. “Besides, it looks good on you.” I smiled at him and he blushed. I’m not sure why, but maybe Levi’s on to something. Maybe this is considered a date, even if we’re not going to date each other. Is that even possible?

We were seated on a bench so we could rest for a bit before deciding on what to do next.

I heard a ring coming from one of us, and Jean pulled out his phone.

“It’s Marco,” he said. “Should I answer it, or?”

“Go ahead,” I answered. Jean did so and began chatting away with his friend. I would have listened to their conversation, but it got tuned out by my ears, and I wasn’t even aware I was doing it. My mind was focused on other thoughts to be aware of anything, really. Well, anything that wasn’t Jean, that is.

Jean looks really handsome, now that I think about it. And I don’t mean he looks good because of what he did to his ear, since he got it pierced on his left ear and I’m sitting on his right side. But, Jean isn’t that bad of a guy either. He’s smart, he has good manners, he’s kind to just about everybody, and he’s a really great friend. I haven’t known Jean all that long, but I did hang out with him when we were in grade school. Even then, he was always caring for others; especially Marco.

And even when our friendship drifted apart, I would sometimes see him help strangers with whatever they needed assistance with. He was always looking out for anybody and everybody he could. He’s handsome on the outside, but more so on the inside. He’s a great guy.

I turned my head down and focused on the tiles that were on the ground. I could feel my face get hotter by the second.

No, I don’t have a crush on Jean Kirschtein. Nope. Not at all. It’s just a friend praising another friend, right? Yeah, that’s all it is. Just a friendly praise… Nothing more.

“Hey there, Kirschtein,” a voice said. I looked up to see that it was the one and only Reiner Braun and his lackey, Bertholdt Fubar.

Jean had hung up on Marco and put his phone in his pocket. “And what do I owe thee for this pleasurable visit?” he asked.

“Cut the sarcasm, dipshit,” Reiner laughed. “How about you hang out with us for a while? But, ditch the emo.” _The emo._ So that’s what everybody’s calling me.

I turned my head back down and played with my thumbs in my lap. “Excuse me?” Jean said. His voice had risen, but it wasn’t enough to be considered a shout. “Are you really going to say that around him, much less _me_? You can forget it. And forget about me while you’re at it.” Jean stood up and grabbed my arm along with our bag. “Come on, Armin.”

“Hey! Kirschtein!” Reiner called Jean various times, but it was to no avail. He just wouldn’t listen to anybody.

“Jean, wait,” I said. “It’s fine! It’s okay, really, it is. You don’t have to start a fight because of me!”

Jean was still pulling me by the arm and he didn’t stop until we were outside the mall. “Why don’t we go somewhere else, hm?” he suggested.

“No,” I muttered. “I want to know why you left like that. I don’t care about what anybody calls me. They do it all the time, and I’m used to it. Emo isn’t even the worst I’ve been called. But why did you just storm out like that?”

Jean sighed and rubbed at his eyes with his hands. Maybe this is a personal thing. I shouldn’t make him feel like he’s forced to say anything. “I don’t like it when people insult you like that,” he said. “Even when I’m in class and the kids talk about you, I have to do all that I can to not punch them in the face right then and there. I just hate it when people put other people down for their own enjoyment, and I hate how they all want to pick on you just because they know that they’ll always get some sort of rush whether they know what happens to you or not. I just thought that if I stayed there any longer, something would end up happening.”

Thankfully we had moved to a bench in front of the mall so nobody overheard our conversation. “Oh,” I said. It was all I could say, to be honest. Jean and I haven’t even talked for a month, and he already feels like he needs to protect me. But that’s how all my friends are. Always wanting to keep me safe. Always making me feel useless, even if they aren’t aware of it.

“Why don’t we go see a movie?” he said. “We’ll watch anything you want.”

“Sure,” I said.

We spent the next 2-3 hours at the movie theatre watching Catching Fire. Even though Jean was confused since he never read the books nor watched the first movie, it was still nice. Even if I knew when the people were going to die since I read the books, it was still a somewhat good day. A good day to watch all my favorite characters die, yet again.

When the movie was over, we stayed at my house and watched even more movies together. 

Today was a great day, I think.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you can find me at tokiyaismine.tumblr.com  
> yeah... but you already know that


	13. Bad Holiday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh god im so sorry feel free to scold me  
> i suggest you do it
> 
> i forgot i was even writing fanfiction because of school and just wow  
> im sorry

Halloween. One of my favorite holidays is now ruined because of me.

Today is the day that I’m reminded I killed the Jaegers. Even though I think about it almost every day, today is the day it strikes most. Five months ago was when I killed them in that car crash.

I sat on my bed at home, lying sideways with my head hanging off the edge. Thankfully my school counts Halloween as a holiday (even though they shouldn’t) so there was no school today. Even if there was, I probably wouldn’t have gone.

I picked my head up and my phone buzzed, making me almost fall off the piece of furniture.

**Levi:** _Are you still going to the cemetery?_  
 **Me:** _Probably not I think I should just stay inside_  
 **Levi:** _Do you want me to come over?_  
 **Me:** _Sure But I’m gonna take a nap so I’ll call you when I’m done_

I really shouldn’t be lying to Levi like this. I’m only making things worse for myself.

I got off the bed and placed my phone on my dresser before opening the door to my room. “I’m gonna take a nap, Grandpa,” I called out. “So please don’t wake me.”

My guardian poked his head out of his door with a smile. “I was just about to do the same thing,” he said. “Make sure you leave a note if you’re going anywhere.”

“Sure thing,” I said. The only note I’ll need to write will be a suicide note, that’s for sure. I went back into my room, but I didn’t bother with the lock. It’s not like anybody’s gonna be awake, so why even bother?

I walked over to my dresser and opened one of its drawers. I moved everything around until I found what I was looking for.

A blade about 2 inches long settled itself in my fingertips. Perfect. I walked over to my bed, grabbing my red rag while I went.

I rolled my sleeve up and placed the blade over my right forearm, ready to slice away the skin. My left arm was getting a little crowded, so my right arm would have to do. These cuts are going to be messier, and I don’t know if I’ll be able to control how deep it goes due to me being right-handed. It’s almost like Russian roulette. 

I brought my hand up a little and brought it back down quickly, tearing apart my skin as I did so. I’m sorry, Eren. I placed my hand over my arm again and sliced my skin faster, causing the crimson droplets to appear almost immediately. I’m sorry, Mikasa. I felt a tear roll down my cheek before I hacked away at my skin another time. I’m sorry, Carla. I’m sorry, Grisha. My blood accumulated on my arm and I turned it upside down. The red beads of blood got bigger before it dropped down slowly. I’m sorry, Grandpa. I mutilated myself several more times before I got a look at what I did.

The cuts were a little bit deeper than the ones I normally do, but not deep enough for me to die by. Drops of my blood joined each other and got bigger, and I wiped it away with the rag. It didn’t stop the bleeding, though. Maybe if I dig the blade deep enough into my skin, it’ll be enough to hit an artery.

No, I can’t do it. I don’t need Levi mourning for more people. Especially not on a date like this. I might be selfish enough to take my pain away by killing myself, but I wouldn’t want to cause Levi that much pain. At least not right now.

I held the rag on my arm and put pressure on it so it could stop the bleeding long enough for me to get my gauze out.

After wrapping my arm up and putting everything away, I grabbed my phone and sent a text to Levi.

**Me:** _You can come over now if you want_  
 **Levi:** _Alright._

Conveniently, I sent that other text almost 15 minutes ago, and that’s the normal amount of time I take for naps. Way to go, Arlert.

I curled into a ball on my bed and stared blankly at one of my walls, counting the seconds and minutes that go by. 58. 59. 1 minute. 61. 62. Somehow it’s calming me down, but I’m not complaining about it. It makes me think more about numbers than anything else, so this might be something I’ll do when I’m at school. It’s not like I actually want to keep cutting; it’s just that it’s one of the best ways for me to cope with my pain, even if it’s not the best choice.

I stayed on the bed counting, and when I reached five minutes I heard the door open. It must be Levi. He walks in without knocking sometimes, so I’m sure it’s him. Unless it’s a robber. If it’s someone like that I’m screwed. Footsteps echoed throughout the house, but I kept counting, not even bothering to look up when I heard my door open.

It closed and I felt the bed go down from where somebody’s weight caused it to sink a bit. A hand moved its way into my hair and I felt myself leaning into the touch. I looked up and saw Jean sitting on the bed beside me, holding a light brown stuffed bunny.

“What are you doing here?” I asked. I was informed that Levi was coming to my house, not Jean. But it’s not like I don’t want his company, either.

“Levi wanted me to come over,” he said gently. His voice sounded soft and soothing, perfect for making me feel calm. I guess this must be what Jean’s like when he’s more serious than usual.

“But weren’t you going somewhere with Marco?” He and Jean are best friends, and I really don’t want to be the thing that comes between them. Just a few days ago they were making plans to go to a haunted house together.

“Its fine,” Jean assured. God his voice is so soft. I thought he could only sound loud and bubbly like he usually does, but it seems even he can be calm when he needs to. “Marco’s going with Annie since Reiner and Bertholdt ditched her. Everything works out fine.” Everything doesn’t work out fine since you’re missing a chance to go out and have fun.

“If you say so,” I mumbled. I’m not in the mood for arguing. I’m not in the mood for anything, really, but the world doesn’t revolve around me. “But you’re gonna have one boring night here. I’m not exactly what you call a ‘fun person.’”

I put my head on the sheets and sighed when Jean’s hand found its way back into my hair. “I like being around you. Even if you don’t call yourself a ‘fun person’ I still have a great time when I’m with you. It’s nice.”

I was going to protest about how I’m the most boring person in the world when Jean cut me off. “Oh yeah!” he said, voice louder than before. “This bunny is for you.” He placed the stuffed bunny he was holding next to my hands and I picked it up, turning it over and looking at its eyes.

They were beautiful. It was some odd mixture of blue and green, and it looked like some kind of warped color that was similar to turquoise. There was a green bow tied around its neck and it was soft. I couldn’t help but think of Eren when I saw it. 

A smile welcomed itself on my face and I felt my eyes sting from trying not to cry. A simple gift like this shouldn’t make me tear up. I guess times like this are just more emotional. I pressed it against my cheek and let my eyes flutter closed. “Thank you,” I said, focusing on the way the artificial fur felt on my skin. I wish I could say something more, but a simple ‘thanks’ would have to suffice.

Jean is too good to me. I remember when we first talked I was the rudest person alive to him, and now I’m relying on him to care for me. Maybe I should start doing things for him, too.

I yawned and Jean tried to hold back a laugh, but I heard a tiny giggle escape his lips. “You should go to sleep,” Jean said.

“I’m not tired,” I protested. “Even if I was, I can’t fall asleep while you’re here. That’ll just be bad hospitality.”

“Just go to sleep,” Jean ordered, pressing my nose down with his finger. “We’re going somewhere tomorrow, so you need your rest.” So he’s spending the night here?

“Who said you could sleep here?”

“I did,” he stated. “I claim this room to be mine whenever I want it to. Deal with it. Now go to sleep.”

“But I’m not tired,” I whined. I’m actually feeling really drowsy, but I want to see how long he can argue with me. “Why don’t _you_ go to sleep then?”

Jean pressed his lips into a thin line and his eyebrows furrowed. “Why don’t you shut up, Bowlie?”

“Forget it,” I said. “Goodnight. I’m not putting up with your lame jokes and comebacks.” I turned over so my stomach could be pressed against the bed and shoved my face into my pillow.

-x-

**_Jean_ **

It took a couple of minutes, but he finally fell asleep. Cute.

I got off from where I was seated on the bed and knelt down by Armin. His arms were sprawled away from his body, so this should be easy to do.

Levi wanted me to come spend time with Armin, and I think he might know about the crush I have on him. Either way, I was glad I came here. The bad part was that Levi wanted me to check Armin’s arms since he didn’t like showing anybody. Nobody except for Armin knew how bad his wounds were, and it’s kind of concerning not knowing how poorly your friend is managing.

I picked up Armin’s arm and pulled at his sleeve carefully, making sure I wouldn’t wake him. When the fabric was moved I saw how bad his arm actually looked. His arm had multiple scratches, countless burn scars, and what looked like to be an abundance of wounds from a razor blade. There weren’t any fresh ones here, so that was good, but it still broke my heart to see all of this. I put his sleeve back in place and placed his arm on the bed, moving over to where his other arm was. Levi told me to be sure to check both arms. I moved the clothing away from his forearm and saw messy, scraggly lines scattered everywhere. Some of these looked fresh. Really fresh.

I placed his arm back and sat on the floor with my back against the wall. I covered my mouth with my hands and stared at the floor.

I remember when I first saw Connie’s cuts and scratches. He looked so guilty about what he’d done to himself. He was scared that I would leave him behind like everyone else did. It was a depressing sight, and I knew something had to be done. I had to make sure that he knew I wouldn’t leave his side, and that I wasn’t angry with him about what he was doing to himself. It hurt me to know that I couldn’t help him feel better, but it’s not like I’m a miracle worker or something.

And now here I am, sitting on the floor thinking about how I can’t do anything to help Armin. Even if I could, it wouldn’t work straight away. I’d have to see him waste away like Connie did and hope he doesn’t kill himself. That’s all I can do, really.

Armin used to be the bright, bubbly, curious kid in school. He always wanted to learn more. Whenever he read an interesting book or newspaper, his eyes would light up and he’d hurry to show Eren or Mikasa what he discovered.

I miss that Armin. Instead of him feeling grateful and happy, he only feels despair and guilt. I’d seen him throughout the years we went to the same schools, and he was never this sad. No matter how many times he got bullied he always got through it because of the two friends he had by his side.

But now he doesn’t have them anymore, and he blames himself for their passing.

I wish he’d figure out that he had nothing to do with their death. Levi told me how they died in a collision with a semi truck, yet Armin blames himself because he was talking on the phone with Eren. He thinks that because of the noise they were making it made them crash. But nobody could have predicted the other vehicle to hit them. It swerved onto the wrong side of the road, yet he thinks it’s his fault. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to convince him that he wasn’t responsible for their death.

I wiped at my eyes, making sure I wasn’t crying. I’ll have to be the strong one if I want to try and help Armin. How will I be able to try and help him recover if I’m vulnerable? I have to make it seem as if I’m invincible even if I have to live the rest of my life as a lie.

But what good can I do if I see him suffer every day? I won’t be able to keep up the whole “invincible act” if I break down in front of him. Well, maybe I can just try to limit the amount of sadness I show around him. That’s something I can do.

I turned and knelt on the floor again, facing Armin’s bed. I put my chin on the mattress and brought my hand up to run my fingers through his hair. It’s soft and it smells nice, and I don’t think Armin dislikes the fact that I touch his hair a lot. I think he might even like it considering how I can feel his head rise to meet my fingers.

Sometimes I have to fight the urge to do something more. Almost all the time I want to hold him in my arms and just kiss his nose and stuff, but that’ll be stepping over the line. I haven’t really told him how I feel about him, so that’s a major problem. Ruffling his hair will have to do for now.

Maybe I could tell him some other day.

For now, I just have to wait for the right time to tell him how I feel about him.

Hopefully it’ll be soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im thinking of doing something where you can send me prompts for any one-shots you may have for any anime as long as i've watched it/read the manga  
> you can send prompts to kisalovesyou.tumblr.com  
> there will be updates on that blog so you can check it for any info
> 
> my personal tumblr is tokiyaismine.tumblr.com
> 
> p.s. im really sorry this took so long omfg


	14. Don't Worry Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Surprises everywhere. Maybe not everywhere, but there are still some surprises.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This isn't one of my better chapters tbh

“So, where are we going?”

“It’s a surprise,” Jean said.

I walked alongside Jean and stared at the ground, looking at the flaws in the layer of concrete. It’s broken and looks unfixable, and I can’t help but think of myself when I look at it. But, one day, somebody is going to come and fix this sidewalk and mend all the cracks in it. That’s when the similarities stop. Nobody has time to fix me, and even if they do, they’re getting something in return. The person who fixes this sidewalk gets money, a desire that everyone has, so if somebody tries to fix me, it means they’re getting something in return that’ll suit their tastes.

I know Jean wants to fix me, so the thing he gets in return must be some sort of acceptance. Maybe by him being unable to help Connie, he feels like he’ll be forgiven if he’s able to help me. If that’s the case, I’m leaving immediately. I’m not going to be somebody’s peace offering.

I looked up and saw Jean had his hands behind his back with a smile on his face. Just what is he thinking? If this is some sort of setup, I’m not going to be the happiest person in the world. Not like I ever was, but still.

“You like to read, right?” Jean asked. That smile never left his face, and it made me even more suspicious of him.

“Yeah,” I responded. “But I never have money to buy books, so I usually just borrow them from the school library.” Borrowing is never as much fun as buying. When you actually pay for a book, it means you get to keep it for as long as you like, and you won’t get in that much trouble if you accidently ruin a page or two.

I turned back to the ground and we walked in silence. There wasn’t anything to talk about, but hopefully that would change. Staying quiet with Jean like this isn’t something I enjoy. It gives me time to think, and I don’t like think. At least not at times like this.

I’d lost track of time, and I’d forgotten we were walking when Jean interrupted my thoughts. “We’re here,” he said. I looked up and saw that we were standing in front of a bookstore. _Titan Library._ There were smaller words under the sign, and I squinted my eyes to get a better look at it. _Our choices are as wide as the Titanic!_ Well the Titanic was pretty wide, but I think they could’ve used something better. Though I shouldn’t be talking, since I can’t think of anything to replace it with.

Wait a second… _Titan Library._ I’ve heard this name before. But from where? I couldn’t have possibly been to this old, run down building, have I? I’ll probably figure it out when I get inside.

“What are we doing here?” I asked.

“Happy early birthday, Armin,” Jean laughed. That’s right; it’s almost my birthday. Only two more days and then I turn 17. “You said you liked to read, so I brought you here! I’ll let you buy as many books as you want, as long as it’s $50 or less.” But why? I don’t want him to spend money on me. But I want the books so bad.

“You don’t need to do that,” I said, shaking my head slightly. “You’ve already done more than enough.” Please don’t believe me. Please, just put up a fight.

“I’m doing this because I _want_ to, so don’t worry about it, okay?” Thank you, Jean. I feel somewhat less guilty about having you buy me things, yet I feel even guiltier than before. Whatever. I’m getting free books and that’s all that matters.

“I guess,” I mumbled, hoping he couldn’t hear the excitement in my voice.

~

I sat patiently in my chair, waiting for Jean to get back. After we went to the bookstore, we ended up coming to an outdoor café, and Jean was currently getting drinks because they don’t serve you here. That’s kind of weird, and I wonder how they still have business.

I ended up getting a total of four books. The cheapest one was a book called _City 5._ It’s about a boy who takes in a prisoner, and gets kicked out of a special place for the highly intelligent. Later on in life he gets accused for a murder, but the prisoner he saved long ago comes back for him and saves him. The second book I got is called _Book of Death._ Supposedly, if you write somebody’s name in a certain notebook, they die within a minute. It’s seems pretty cool, since the main character has to strategize a lot so he doesn’t get caught by the police.

The third book I got was called _Town of Skeletons._ It’s the first book in a series with five books, and I think there’s one book that has yet to be published. A girl meets weird people and she figures out she’s a mutant or something. I didn’t really pay attention to the summary for this one. The most expensive book I got was called _Fight the Beings._ Humankind is almost extinct due to these giant monsters, and the army is trying to kill them all. But there are lots of plots twists, so it just makes the story more interesting. Either way, I feel like I invested wisely in these book choices.

I rested my head on the table and closed my eyes. Maybe if I fall asleep, somebody will give me money thinking I’m a hobo. But then again, I’m dressed very fairly, so I don’t think it’ll work.

“No way, that’s him, right?”  
“It has to be. Nobody else has hair that bright.”  
“Do you think he’ll show us?”  
“Show us what?”  
“His arms, you idiot!”  
“I’m wanna go ask him.”

I picked my head up and looked behind me. There was a group of kids from my school sitting there, and they were probably talking about _me_. Even on weekends I’m always getting hunted down by people.

I put my hands on the table and rested my chin on them. Today was supposed to be a somewhat good day. It started off like that, didn’t it? Why can’t it end like that, too?

“I’m gonna pour this coffee on your face if you don’t sit up,” Jean said. I blinked a few times and picked my head up, watching as he set two cups of coffee down on the table. He sat down across from me and squinted his eyes a bit. “Is something wrong?”

“It’s nothing,” I said, trying to put a smile on my face. But, since I never smile like that, Jean knew something was up. Good work Armin. You might as well kill somebody and admit that you’re the murderer. It’s _that_ obvious.

Jean looked behind me and I think he understood what was wrong. “I’ll be right back,” he muttered. I was going to ask where he was going, but he walked past me and stood in front of the table that had the group of students around it.

“Is something wrong?” I heard him ask. His voice sounded awfully cheerful. Too cheerful, if you ask me. Several of them shook their heads while a few kept looking straight at Jean. Hopefully his popular reputation won’t get him in too much trouble.

“We’re not doing anything,” a boy said.

“Let’s keep it that way,” Jean said, his voice sounding dangerously low and scary. I turned around and kept my eyes locked on my coffee cup. I was suddenly curious as to what he got me. Do I even like coffee? I don’t think I’ve ever tried it before. Eren said it was gross, but Mikasa seemed to like it. That means I probably won’t want it at all.

Jean grabbed the bag that held my books, along with his cup of coffee and smiled. “Why don’t we go somewhere else?” I never know what he wants to do next. He’s unpredictable. But, I do know that he’s probably doing this for me, although I’m sure I’ll regret his choice later.

“Sure.”

-x-

We spent the rest of the day at a park, and Jean dropped me off at home. Well, he walked me home, that is.

I put my books on my dresser and went into the living room. Grandpa should be here. He’s not in the kitchen either, so where is he? Maybe he’s taking a nap. But he doesn’t sleep this time of day. Maybe it couldn’t hurt to have a nice chat with him.

I walked over to my Grandpa’s door and knocked softly, then pushed it open slowly. I looked around and saw my guardian sitting on the bed, bunching up the fabric of his shirt in his fist. His breathing sounded fast and ragged, and that was never a good sign.

“Grandpa!” I yelled. I ran over to him and checked to see if he had any injuries, and with a quick scan of my eyes, it didn’t look like it. “What’s wrong? Does anything hurt?”

“I’m…. fine,” he gasped. “Just… a little… tired is… all.” Lies.

“I’m calling an ambulance, okay? Don’t move from there, and just try to focus on your breathing.” Nobody can hide something this big and obvious. Even if he did manage to hide it, he’d end up dead. Thankfully I got home when I did.

I dialed 911 and held the phone to my ear. After I heard a ring, there was a feminine voice on the other line.

“ _911, what’s your emergency?"_  
“I need an ambulance. 4764 Shiganshina Avenue, please.”  
“ _An ambulance is currently on their way. Would you mind telling me what the problem is?"_

I quickly relayed the events and went back to my Grandpa, keeping the phone between my shoulder and cheek so I was able to care for him while talking on the phone. She hung up shortly after since the ambulance arrived.

I went into the doorway of my room and watched as the paramedics put my Grandfather on a gurney, all the while they tried to get air into his lungs with different medical instruments. One of them actually came up to me and asked me a few questions.

“Can you tell me what happened?” Again with the explaining.  
“I came home and went into my Grandpa’s room and I saw him clutching his hand to his chest. It sounded like he was having trouble breathing, and it looked that way, too.”  
“That’s all that happened?”  
“Yes sir. It didn’t seem like he had any injuries, so it worried me a great deal. I ended up calling for an ambulance.”  
“Alright, kid.”

Then he left. They offered to take me with them to the hospital, but I turned them down. I’d much rather stay here than wait in a cold place like that. Besides, I could go visit when I was certain things had calmed down.

But when am I gonna calm down?

My Grandpa almost died in front of me. I couldn’t even tell if he was having a heart attack or if it was just some case of irregular breathing. I knew he wouldn’t lose consciousness, much less his life in front of me, but I was still so scared. I think I’m actually shaking.

I went to the living room and sat on the couch, dialing Levi’s number and putting the phone next to my ear before falling down sideways on the cushions. 1 ring. 2 rings. 3 rings.

“ _What is it?"_  
“My Grandpa is in the hospital.” Blunt and straight to the point. I deserve an award.  
“ _Holy shit? Do you want me to come over? I’ll drive you to the hospital if you want."_ He worries too much.  
“It’s fine,” I said, closing my eyes. “I just thought you should know.”

In the end, Levi ended up driving over here and spending the night with me.

It seems that I won’t be alone as long as he’s around. After all, we need each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The books Armin describes are in the order they were mentioned:  
> 1)No.6 - Atsuko Asano & Hinoki Kino  
> 2)Death Note - Tsugumi Ohba & Takeshi Obata  
> 3)City of Bones - Cassandra Clare  
> 4)Attack on Titan - Isayama Hajime
> 
> you can send me prompts/check for updates at: kisalovesyou.tumblr.com
> 
> you can find my personal tumblr at: tokiyaismine.tumblr.com


	15. Games, Fun, and Hospitals

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Armin plays with Hanji and goes to the hospital later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter should have things moving along.... in case u wanted to know...

“Are you sure you’re gonna be okay?”

“I’m fine,” I mumbled. Levi was sitting next to me on the couch, cradling my head in his lap. I still think it’s kind of weird how we can be this close, yet we’re not attracted to each other at all. But then again, it’s not that strange at all when I think about it. Levi’s still hung over Eren, and I respect that. It’s just that something about Levi makes him feel more like a brother to me.

“You better not be lying,” he said. His voice sounded stern, kind of like a mom. I think. I wasn’t with my mother very long so I wouldn’t know.

I closed my eyes and sighed, bringing my knees up to my chest in the process. “I think I’m okay. I don’t really know. I guess I just feel kind of numb.” Yesterday my Grandpa ended up going to the hospital, and Levi told me to visit him, but I refused. I don’t want to see him. It’s not that I don’t like him or anything, but more because I know he’s going to die pretty soon. I’d have lost another important person to me, yet again. It just isn’t fair.

“Well why wouldn’t you feel that way?” I felt Levi’s hand find its way into my hair, and he ran his fingers through the strands. “You’ve lost too many people, and you might lose another. I’d be crying my eyes out, so it’s a miracle that you aren’t.”

“I guess I’m just used to it,” I said. Of course I am. I lost my parents when I was young, my Grandma, then I lost the Jaegers, and now I’m going to lose my Grandpa pretty soon. A total of eight people. Well seven right now.

“I know you are,” Levi whispered. “I have to go pretty soon. Do you want to stay here, or do you want to go somewhere else?”

“I think I’ll stay here and see if Hanji can come over. She’ll be able to cheer me up a bit,” I said.

I opened my eyes and looked up at Levi. He was staring straight ahead, and he looked as if he were in pain. Pain probably caused by me. He’s been looking after me for a while now, and all I do is worry him. I really am the worst.

-x-

“I win again!”

“Only because you’re a cheat,” I laughed. Hanji sat across from me, holding Monopoly dollars in her hand. She’d beaten me again, for the third time in a row. I’m never letting her be the banker ever again.

“It’s because I’m smart and you’re stupid,” she giggled. “If you used that brain of yours, you might be able to buy more houses than me.” Hanji scooted the board game away, along with all the pieces, and practically sat on my lap with how close she was to me.

“And what do I owe thee for this pleasurable visit?” I asked, making sure the sarcasm was extremely noticeable. “I’m sure my leg would love to know why it’s suddenly getting ambushed by yours.”

“Keep your mouth shut,” she said. Hanji placed a finger on my lips and moved her lips next to my ear. “It’s time to get serious,” she whispered. So now we’re going to have a talk that’s anything but serious. Fantastic.

“What do you want?” I asked, trying to make the edges of my mouth go down instead of up. Hanji is one of the only people that can make me smile so easily. She knows how to have fun and not to dwell on the bad stuff, so that might be a reason why. She’s just always trying to get me to laugh and have a good time. It’s nice.

Hanji backed away from my head and scooted away from me a little before placing her hands in her lap. “Is there someone you like?” she asked.

“I don’t know,” I muttered. I turned my head downwards and stared at the floor, waiting for the next wave of questions to come.

“Armin, I need to know,” Hanji said. It’s amazing how she could still keep a straight face. “Somebody’s life depends on it.”

“Whose life?”

“Erwin’s,” she whispered. A smile broke out onto her face and pressed her hands to her cheek. “Okay, okay, okay. Don’t tell him I told you this, but apparently Erwin is crushing on you! He told Mike, and in turn Mike told me.”

This isn’t something that should be spread around. I put my head in my hands and sighed a little too loudly. “Hanji,” I groaned. “I mean, I like Erwin, but I don’t like _like_ him. He’s a nice guy, but I just don’t think we could be together.” I just know I’m going to start acting weird around Erwin. This is why I shouldn’t get told secrets. “But I don’t wanna hurt his feelings by turning him down.” Why does he like me anyways? Literally all the girls want him, so he could pick whoever he wanted.

“He said that he’d respect your decision if you didn’t return his feelings,” Hanji said, twirling a strand of hair in between her fingers. “Let’s face it, Armin. We all know you want Jean, so there’s no point in denying it.”

I felt my face get hot, whether it is from embarrassment or anger, and I snapped my eyes open. “And we all know you want Mike to get in your pants!” I yelled. I threw my hands into the air dramatically and waved them around before placing them back into my lap.

“Well duh,” she said, making it sound like it was completely obvious. “But, we’re not worried about me right now. We’re worried about you and Jean.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Do you like Jean?” she asked, poking my shoulder with her finger.

“I don’t really know,” I mumbled. I turned my head to the side and filled my cheeks with air, making it look as if I had a bubble in my mouth. I never really focused on my feelings for Jean too much. I always felt confused when I lingered on the subject for too long. “I don’t hate the idea of being with Jean, and he’s a pretty decent guy…” I let myself trail off and pressed my fingers to my cheeks.

“Then it’s settled!” Hanji yelled. “Tomorrow, for your birthday, you and Jean are going on a date! I’ll make sure you look nice and handsome, so you just need to be mentally prepared.”

“I think there’s something wrong with that plan,” I laughed. “Shouldn’t Jean and I be the ones to decide this? What if he’s busy? What if _I’m_ busy?”

“Oh please,” she scoffed. “You don’t have anywhere to be. And neither does Jean, so it works out perfectly!” I was actually planning on visiting Grandpa tomorrow at the hospital, but I guess I’ll go later today.

I think it’d be nice to hear what Jean thinks of me.

“Fine,” I sighed. “But isn’t tomorrow a school day?” I was hoping I could get the day off tomorrow if I stayed at the hospital. That’ll be a valid reason as to why I didn’t go.

“It’ll be after school,” Hanji explained. “Hopefully all goes well tomorrow so you won’t be in a grumpy mood.”

“I hope it does.”

We continued to talk about everything and anything, ranging from how Levi would look in a dress to how many horses would fit in Wal-Mart. Hanji also beat me in The Game of Life, Battleship, and Chutes and Ladders as we talked. All-in-all, it was a good day.

After she left, I called Jean and asked if he could drive me to the hospital, and he complied.

“We’re going to ‘Rose Hospital,’ right?” Jean asked as I closed the door to his truck. It was red, and I didn’t get a good look at it, but my guess was that it was from some time before 2008.

“Uh, yeah,” I said. I put my seatbelt on and turned to face Jean. “Thanks for taking me. I didn’t wanna bother Levi, so I thought maybe you could do it.”

“It’s fine,” he muttered as he drove away from the curb. “By the way, Hanji kind of forced me into that whole ‘date’ thing.” I raised an eyebrow and he looked at me for a few seconds before turning back to the road. “No, wait, I mean, I don’t mind going with you. If you don’t want to go anywhere, it’ll be fine. It’s not like we have to go someplace. I was just thinking about if you—“

“You’re a major dork,” I laughed. “You worry too much. I actually wanna go somewhere with you tomorrow. It’ll be fun.” I looked out the window and watched as we passed trees, bushes, and a whole lot of people. “Maybe we can go back to the mall and get you another piercing.” I forgot Jean got his ear pierced, so I never really noticed the small stud was there. I guess it looked so good on him I forgot about how it changed his appearance.

“Orrrrr,” Jean commented, making sure to linger on his _r_. “We could get you one. I was thinking you’d look good with snakebites or an eyebrow piercing.” He wiggled his eyebrows for effect and I pressed the back of my hand onto my mouth, trying to stifle a laugh.

“Sure thing,” I joked. “I’ll get snakebites as soon as you become an astronaut with a master’s degree in archeology.”

“That’ll be my new dream job then.”

We arrived at the hospital shortly after, and it seemed as if Jean tensed up upon walking inside.

~ ** _Jean_** ~

I followed behind Armin as he went up to the front desk and asked the nurse some questions. I couldn’t focus on anything they were saying, and I held onto Armin’s shoulder with one hand as he started walking towards an elevator.

I hate hospitals. I only agreed to drive Armin here because I wanted to spend time with him. But now I’m regretting it. Places like these bring back so many memories. _Painful_ memories.

I remember when I came here looking for Connie. His parents called me and told me that they found him lying in a pool of his own blood in his room. They’d called an ambulance and he was rushed over here. I’ll never forget the look on his face as he slept. He looked so peaceful while he was unconscious. He looked _pleased_ with himself.

It was his first time in the hospital, and his parents were worried sick. They ever knew he had problems like this until it happened before their eyes.

He got sent there three more times, always refusing the help the hospital offered. The fifth time he arrived there was the final one. He’d managed to kill himself, and I couldn’t do a thing about it. It was too late. That’s when I received the letter Connie wrote to me before he committed suicide, and it was hard to even breathe.

He had the same expression on his face every single time. He looked calm and satisfied. He was happy he finally succeeded, and we all knew. His family, I did, and I bet even the nurses knew, too.

Long story short; hospitals aren’t my cup of tea.

I snapped out of my thoughts when Armin tapped my shoulder, ushering me into his grandpa’s room. It was white, but there were some splashes of green and light blue, so it wasn’t that bad. There was a small TV mounted on the wall, an empty hospital bed, and an occupied one. There were two doors, and one was probably the bathroom.

I sat on the edge of the empty bed and Armin seated himself next to me.

“So you finally decided to visit, huh?” his grandfather laughed. He had a smile on his face, and it made his wrinkles show more, making him look older.

“Sorry,” Armin laughed back. He actually _laughed_. It didn’t sound real at all. That just means he has to put on a “happy act” whenever he’s around his guardian. How difficult. “I was busy, and Levi wanted to take care of me for a bit while you were gone. He said I could get all the gourmet food I wanted while you get gross cafeteria food.”

“Well, that boy sure knows how to make me jealous,” he smiled. I put my hands in my lap and stared down at the floor, hoping my feeling of being left out wasn’t too noticeable. “Armin,” his grandpa said after a while. “Why don’t you go talk to the nurses? I’m sure you’ll need to know what condition I’m in. I’d rather save my breath trying to explain.”

It must’ve been noticeable.

“Uh, sure thing,” Armin muttered. He stood up off the bed and nodded towards us. “If you’ll excuse me.” He walked out the door and into the hallway, closing it behind him.

“Jean, right?” he asked. I nodded my head in response. Why was I being shy all of a sudden? Last time I saw this guy I was full of energy. “I’d like to ask a favor of you, if you wouldn’t mind.”

“And what would that be?” I asked, slightly interested in this “favor” of his.

“Please watch over Armin,” he pleaded. Watch over him? That’s basically the same thing Levi asked of me. These two both want me to care for him, huh. “He might have other friends, but they’re all a grade ahead of him. They won’t be with him forever, but you’ll be able to be around him a little longer. I’d be very grateful if you ensured his safety. Especially because of his new… living arrangements.” Wait… _living arrangements?_

“I’ll do it with much care, sir,” I said. How friendly can I get with him? I don’t want to keep talking like I’m having a meeting with the president.

“Thank you,” he muttered.

Armin came back a few minutes after that, making the conversation resume once again. It only died out when his grandfather brought up the pre-mentioned “living arrangements.”

“So, I’ll be living with an aunt from my father’s side?” Armin asked. “I didn’t even know I had one…”

“She didn’t want you to,” Armin’s guardian said. “She felt it was best you stayed with me and your grandmother. But now it seems you’ll have to stay with her considering the circumstances.”

“So I’ll have to live with a lady I’ve never even heard about, nor even knew the existence of?” Armin asked.

That must be hard for him. I know I’d feel weird having to live with a random stranger. It’s especially awkward since they’re apparently related. That makes it even worse.

“That’s how it has to be. If and when I’m able to come back home, I’ll be sure to go right away. Please put up with it for the time being.”

“Alright,” Armin muttered. “I’ll do it. But try to get better fast, okay?”

We said our goodbyes after that and I drove Armin home.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to stay?” I asked. I’d feel bad for leaving him home alone.

“I’ll be fine,” he said. “But, it’d be great if you picked me up tomorrow. Maybe we could walk to school together.” God damn him with his adorable face and cute way of saying things.

“Sure thing,” I smiled.

I get a date, _and_ I get to walk with him. Tomorrow should be a great day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you want to send me prompts or see any fic updates go to: kisalovesyou.tumblr.com  
> if u wanna ask me stuff or anything, my personal one is: tokiyaismine.tumblr.com


	16. Dates And Whatnot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Date. Yeah.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got excited and wrote this chapter cause why not  
> I'm the one writing the story and I'm getting worked up over this chapter omfg

“Hanji, I already told you I don’t have anything on my face.”

“Well, better to be safe than sorry, right?”

Hanji and I were currently standing near a girl’s bathroom. She had a wet paper towel in hand and was rubbing it on my face claiming I had “lots of dirt” on it. I’d looked at myself in the mirror earlier, and there was nothing.

“You’re gonna make me late,” I said. She stopped rubbing my face and threw away the paper towel. Got her.

“Alright,” Hanji sighed. “But, make sure you don’t screw anything up. I don’t want to have to swoop in and rescue you if you do.”

“Wait,” I said as realization hit. “You’re going to _follow_ us?”

“I meant it as I don’t want a phone call or a text from you if you fuck it up,” she said, rolling her eyes. “Just hurry up and go!”

“Alright,” I laughed.

I walked out of the building I was in and walked to the front of the school, trying to find Jean. I looked around for a couple of seconds before finally spotting him. He was standing against a tree with his hands in his pocket.

I went up to him and he yanked on a strand of my hair.

“Uh, _ouch_ ,” I whined.

“You’re late,” Jean smiled. “Let’s just get going before it gets too dark.”

~

“So, where are we going?” I asked. We sat through a bunch of traffic on our way to nowhere, and we were still stuck in it now.

“I don’t really know, to be honest,” Jean said. “I was just driving anywhere. Is there someplace you had in mind?”

“Driving around sounds nice,” I said. “I wanna do that.”

“Whatever you say.”

~

Jean and I sat through traffic for another thirty minutes before he decided to get off the highway. Neither of us knows why he went on it in the first place.

Jean ended up driving us to a nearly empty parking lot for an empty field. He parked the truck away from all the other vehicles and we got in the back of it.

“Now I’m glad I actually had that blanket in the back seat,” Jean chuckled, sitting on the large blanket he spread on the floor. “Now I won’t ruin your precious clothes.”

I rolled my eyes while opening and closing my hand to make it look as if it were talking. “Blah, blah, blah,” I said, making my voice an octave higher than normal. “Don’t get upset because I have clothes that are able to get ruined.”

“You cocksucker,” he muttered.

“Not for free,” I winked. “Except for Wednesdays. I’m usually feeling generous that time of the week.”

“Well fuck. Today’s Monday.”

“Come back tomorrow and you might get a discount,” I laughed. I leaned back and rested my head on Jean’s knee. He put his hands in my hair and started weaving his fingers through it, and every once in a while I would feel a tug.

“I finished your braid!” Jean yelled after two minutes of silence. I sat up abruptly and touched my hair with my fingers. This feels like one messed up braid.

“Take a picture,” I said. I heard the snap of a camera and Jean put his phone in front of my face. Sure enough, he used three strands of hair that weren’t the same thickness, and pieces of my hair were sticking out everywhere. It was slowly coming apart from the bottom from lack of a hair tie. “Never become a hair stylist.”

“Actually, I’m aiming to be an astronaut with a master’s degree in archeology,” he corrected, pushing his index finger into my chest. “There’s no way I’m passing up a precious chance to see you with snakebites.”

There was no way in hell I was getting two piercings on the bottom of my lip. No way. Ever.

“Whatever floats your boat,” I muttered. I pulled my “braid” apart and rested my head back on Jean’s knee.

We sat there in silence, simply enjoying each other’s company before Jean brought something up. “Hey, Armin; I’ve been meaning to talk to you about something.” Oh.

“What is it?” I asked. I stared up at him and he turned his head to the side, eyes darting everywhere.

“I’m just gonna be blunt about this, so don’t laugh,” he mumbled. I nodded and hoped he could see me in the corner of his eye. “I, uh… Well, I want you to know that…” He sucked in his cheeks and closed his eyes before exhaling.

Maybe I could make this a bit easier for him. I got up and sat on my knees, quickly wrapping my arms around his neck. “Don’t worry,” I whispered. “I like you, too, Jean.” It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know what he was going to say. 

“Pssh, what are you going on about?” Jean asked.

“Your words and your actions think differently,” I giggled. His arms were around my shoulders, and I rested my forehead in the crook of his neck. This was bound to happen sometime, so why not do it while I’m in favor of my feelings? And it’s not like Jean’s a complete stranger to me, either. We’ve shared classes when we were younger, so we acquainted ourselves with each other back then.

I tried to pull away, but Jean wouldn’t let go. He seemed to notice my struggle, because he said, “You know what? I’ve wanted to do this so much, so there’s no way I’m letting you go now. I wouldn’t care if you offered me money or something. I’m not letting go.” And this is what I was afraid of.

But, at least that means he was almost outright with his response. It’s not that hard to put two and two together. Especially not in his case.

“Well, can I at least get a little more comfortable?” I asked. Jean let me go and I ended up sitting in his lap. He had his arms wrapped around me, again, and I placed my hands on his arms.

“Jean, when did you start liking me, anyways?”

“Hmm, I guess it was some time back in middle school?” he guessed. “I remember having a crush on you, but we never hung out, so it was most likely one-sided. I ended up seeing you less and less when we entered high school, and then not at all. But I saw you again, and I guess my feelings all came rushing back, ya know? It’s kind of hard to forget about someone like you.”

Well, this is kind of embarrassing. “That was really cheesy,” I laughed. Maybe I can pass my embarrassment along. That seemed to always work with Eren.

“W-Well, you asked and I answered!” Jean yelled. I felt him press his forehead into the back of my head and I couldn’t help but smile. It definitely worked.

I bet this is why so many people like Jean. He’s nice, sweet, caring. He might even be perfect. Well, not to everybody, but to me at least.

We sat there, talking about stupid things and meaningless topics. It wasn’t until the sun started going down that we realized it was getting late.

Jean ended up driving me back home, and gave me a kiss on the cheek before I got out of his truck to which I responded with a squeeze of his nose.

“Welcome home, Armin,” an unfamiliar voice greeted as I closed the front door.

“Glad to be back?” Way to go, Arlert.

A lady was sitting on the couch, drinking a glass of red wine. She had on black sweatpants and a red turtleneck, along with an oversized jacket. I don’t think it suited her with her hairstyle; two big pigtails that hung over her shoulders.

“My name is Mina,” she said. “Mina Carolina. That’s all you need to know.”

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, uh, Mrs. Carolina,” I said, voice a bit higher than normal. “I’ll be in my room, then.” I gave her a quick nod and walked into my room, and locked the door. Well, I would have, if the lock wasn’t taken off. Was this _her_ doing?

“I don’t believe in privacy!” Mina, no, my _aunt_ , yelled from the living room. 

So it _was_ her fault.

I guess I’d just have to deal with it. That, or keep buying locks. I made sure the door was closed all the way and sat on my bed. My phone rang in my pocket and I answered it, not even bothering to see who was calling.

_“Happy Birthday!”_ the voice yelled. _“I forgot to tell you while we were sitting in the truck.”_ So it’s Jean.

“You’re not being a very responsible lover,” I teased.

_“Well you’re not being a very responsible… very responsible…”_ I pulled the phone away from my mouth and bit my lip, trying not to laugh. Jean thinks he’s a big shot, yet he can’t even come up with a comeback to something so stupid. _”You’re not being very responsible at all.”_

“Sure, whatever you say.”

_”Oh yeah! Is your aunt there?”_

“Uh yeah,” I muttered. “She’s in the other room, though.” I let out a sigh and pressed my free hand onto my forehead. “I don’t think I can stay here very long. She took the lock off my door, so who knows what she’ll do next?”

_”Can’t you put one back on?”_

“She doesn’t ‘believe in privacy’ so my guess is that if I put one on, she’ll take it off again. She’s already drinking wine and making herself comfortable, so she’s bound to do it again, and maybe even something more.”

_”Sucks for you. But anyways—OW WHAT THE FUCK?!”_

“Jean?” Does he normally swear out of nowhere like that? I don’t think so.

_”Shit, fuck, sorry; I gotta go. My dad is throwing shit at me. Bye!”_ I heard a click in my ear and put the phone on the bed next to me.

His dad is throwing stuff? I don’t know much about Jean, so I can’t tell if that’s normal for him or not. What was he throwing anyways? Maybe I should call him…

I’m sure he’ll be fine. It didn’t sound like he was hurt. But then again, you never know.

Stop worrying already! He’ll be fine.

I could just ask him about it at school tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> send me prompts or check any updates at: kisalovesyou.tumblr.com  
> my personal one is: tokiyaismine.tumblr.com
> 
> if you have any questions, ask them in the comments or ask me on either of those tumblrs!!!


	17. Rumors and Hands

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Armin fucks with Levi, and shit goes down in the Arlert household.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New trigger warning for abuse  
> //so yeah//

“Armin!”

I looked up from the ground to see Jean waving at me, waiting for me to walk over to him. Marco stood next to him, a smile on his face. We were standing in the same positions as we were the day Jean decided to talk to me. I had flinched and ran away from him, but now I’m walking to him with ease.

“Morning,” I mumbled as soon as I got close enough to the two. I walked alongside Jean, with him separating Marco and I, and looked at his face through the corner of my eye. He definitely has makeup on. His skin color looks darker than usual, and I can see a small line that had to be from a scratch on his cheek. I would absolutely have to ask him what happened last night.

Jean and Marco were talking, Jean trying to hold my hand twice, and me swatting him away. Who knows what would happen if everybody found out I was dating the famous Jean Kirschtein?

The three of us had stepped on campus now, and while Marco walked to his first class, Levi led Jean and I to the old playground in the back of the school.

“I’m bound to go to court for skipping so many school days,” I sighed. This is actually my fault, because I’m the one who skips school for no good reason.

“Like they’ll get _you_ in trouble,” Levi scoffed. “You have one of the highest GPA’s.” He makes a compelling argument.

“Why did you lead us out here?” Jean asked. I was seated on a swing, next to Jean, and Levi was standing in front of us, arms crossed.

“Hanji told me some news,” he stated. “Care to explain, Kirschtein?”

“What kind of news?” I asked.

“Just something about his ass taking you on a fucking _date._ ” But the real question is, _does he know what the outcome was?_

“So you heard about that,” Jean muttered. “Let me just say that I didn’t try anything on Armin. If you wanna get upset at anyone, make it the blond.” You can practically feel the love emanating from him right now.

“Well then, Arlert, why don’t you take the stage?” Levi asked.

“I don’t want to take the stage,” I complained. “The stage is too big right now, so I’d rather not.”

“Lucky for you, because it’s not vital that you have to,” he said, shooting daggers into my chest. Levi could most likely kill me with his eyes, if that was possible. “I would have liked to hear what happened first hand, but your _boyfriend_ just so happened to tell a certain lady friend that told me.”

“Aha, oops?” I got up and stood in front of Jean, hands on my hips.

“ _Oops,_ indeed,” I laughed. “That’s the same thing I’ll say when I punch you in the face.”

“So I guess it’s true then,” Levi snickered. “Thanks for confirming, guys. My suspicions were correct.” No he didn’t. I’m so stupid to not have even thought of that. “Hanji told me you two were going out somewhere yesterday, but I never would have thought something would go down.”

I turned to face Levi, keeping one hand on my hip and the other against my cheek. “So you’ve found out our dirty little secret.” I sat down on Jean’s lap and wrapped an arm around his neck, smiling all the while.

I smirked at Levi, laughing internally as I saw how his eye twitched. This should get him really agitated. “Get off,” Levi ordered.

“Why?” I asked.

“So I can choke Jean,” Levi responded, keeping his voice void of any emotions. Oh yeah, he was definitely agitated.

“Sorry Hun, but I’m the only one who has that privilege,” I laughed. I felt Jean stiffen from under me, but ignored it. Sorry Jean, but I had to bring you in for this. I got my index finger and traced it over Jean’s cheek, making swirly patterns all over before I placed a finger on his bottom lip. “Along with… other things.”

“You have until the count of three,” Levi threatened.

“I call you bluff,” I spat.

“Well, _I_ don’t,” Jean said from under me. He placed his hands on my shoulders and stood up, careful that I didn’t fall.

I giggled and sat back down on the other swing, kicking my legs back and forth. “You guys are so easy to mess with.”

“One day I’m gonna get so angry that I terrorize a small village, and it’ll be your fault, Arlert,” Levi said, pointing his index finger at me.

“Putting _that_ incident aside, was that all you wanted to talk about?” Jean asked.

“I was going to ask him this when we were alone…” Levi trailed off and bit his lip. “But, considering the circumstance here, I guess I’ll ask it right now.” Does he mean the whole “boyfriend” circumstance? “Armin, how is your aunt treating you?” I remember when I told Levi that some stranger would be taking care of me he said, _”You don’t need her. I’ll take care of you, and that is that.”_

“She’s really nice, actually,” I lied. “We get along better than I would have thought with us being strangers and all.” Just this morning she yelled at me for “taking too damn long in the fucking bathroom,” and when I came out she almost slapped me, but she immediately put her hand on the back of her head.

“I guess that’s good, then,” Levi muttered.

After that, we all walked to our classes, first period almost finished. Jean actually made me later than I had to be since he gave me a hug before we parted. Has he always been this touchy?

I sat through classes trying to focus on the lessons, but I kept thinking about Mina. I could tell she wanted to hit me this morning, but it looked like she tried not to. Can I really trust her? She _did_ take the lock off _my_ door, so it’s safe to assume she probably doesn’t trust me.

Classes passed by fairly quickly when I thought about her. It was lunch time now, so I went to go sit on a wall outside. A group of girls showed up shortly after, cornering me. They wouldn’t do anything, right? Only the guys usually hit me. _Usually._

“Your name’s Armin, right?” a girl with black hair asked. She was accompanied by three other girls, two of them having blonde hair and one being a brunette. I nodded and relaxed a bit. “Then you’re the one _dating Jean?”_ How did they know? Wait. If they know, then that must mean more people do, too.

“Where’d you get that idea from?” I asked, trying not to sound rude. After all, I was still the lowest of the low.

“Some guy saw you at the old playground, and somebody else saw the two of you kiss,” a blonde girl spoke up. _Kiss?_ So they know, but we didn’t kiss. It was a simple _hug._ This might be a problem. But no matter what he did, I don’t think I have the right to be upset with Jean. It’s not like we were gonna hide anything. I think.

I just don’t want Jean to be hated if people knew he started dating me.

“Well, yeah, I guess we are,” I said, rubbing the back of my neck with my hand.

I watched as the four girls started to argue, two of them saying I was lying and the other two saying I was telling the truth. They kept fighting even as they walked away, and I couldn’t help but feel kind of happy that they approached me.

I sat against the wall with my knees against my chest for a few more minutes until Annie showed up.

“Congrats, dude,” she said. We sat side by side, our shoulders almost touching.

“Congrats on what exactly?” I asked.

“Looks like we can finally get you laid,” she laughed.

I hid my face in my hands and couldn’t stop the loud sigh from escaping my mouth. “How many people do you think know about that?”

I peeked through my fingers and saw Annie tap her hand multiple times before answering. “I’d say just about all the juniors know, some of the seniors, some sophomores, and maybe a few freshmen.”

“Why would freshmen know about this?”

“There are some chicks that’ve seen Jean around a few times, and they apparently have a thing for him,” she stated. “It’s not all that weird, y’know. We _are_ talking about _Jean Kirschtein_ here. I’m surprised he even went out with you.”

Surprised? “And why is that?”

“You know how Jean and Marco used to be a thing?” I nodded. “Well, Marco was the one who broke up with him, and Jean actually really liked him. But he didn’t want to ruin their friendship, so he pulled through it. I think he didn’t want to be hurt again, since Marco was the only person he’s ever dated.” I pressed my forehead to my knees and let out a long, but quiet breath. “So maybe he really liked you if he started dating again.”

“Maybe it does,” I muttered.

“Or maybe he just wants to get laid,” Annie offered. I tried to hide my smile, but a laugh ruined all chances of that happening.

-x-

“But I can live alone!” I yelled.

_”I won’t allow it! You’re going to live with your aunt at that house, okay? It’s what’s best for you.”_

“More like the worst thing ever.” I quickly hung up the phone and hid under my covers, trying to keep my tears at bay.

My grandfather had called and told me I would have to stay with Mina until I got an actual job and an actual house. We ended up arguing back and forth until I finally gave in.

“Come do the dishes you brat!” Mina yelled from the living room. Having no choice on whether I stayed or not, I dragged myself out of bed and wiped my eyes before going to the kitchen. I turned on the water in the sink and filled it halfway, washing the few plates and cups that were in there.

I picked up a glass plate and could feel Mina staring at me as I scrubbed it with a sponge. She got off the couch and walked towards me, scaring me so much that I dropped the plate two feet before she got to me.

A loud crash was heard throughout the house, and then an even louder smack as Mina’s hand connected with my right cheek. I put my hand on my cheek and stepped back a bit, feeling the sting spread throughout my face.

“Clean it up,” she ordered.

I cleaned it up.

I went back into my room and called Jean. Levi was probably in the shower at this time, and I can’t talk to the others about my problems. Jean would have to do.

“Let’s walk to school together,” I blurted out before Jean could even greet me.

 _”Uh, sure. Is something wrong? You sound… kinda scared.”_ My voice was probably wavering, so it’s no wonder.

“I guess you could say that,” I laughed. I twirled a piece of my hair with my finger and bit my lip, trying to calm down. Why was I so scared? I got beat up tons of times before, so why now? Why now, of all times? “I’ll tell you about it tomorrow, so walk with me. And make sure you don’t bring Marco.”

 _”Okay, then. Do want me to stay on the phone with you? I’ll keep talking with you until you fall asleep, if you want.”_ As much as I’d like that, I don’t think I’ll be able to communicate with him properly. I still have no idea why I’m so frightened. It doesn’t make sense.

“It’s fine,” I said. “Let’s just, talk about it tomorrow, okay?” I have a feeling I won’t be able to do anything in peace anymore.

 _”Okay.”_ Jean sounded hesitant. Too hesitant, if you ask me.

“I won’t do anything, okay?” I assured him. “I promise. I just want to sleep is all.”

_”Alright. Take care, Armin.”_

“Night.”

I hung up and tried to fall asleep, but failed miserably. This was going to be a long night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted Mina to look nice but actually be a really shitty person so yeah
> 
> send me prompts at: kisalovesyou.com  
> ask me stuff or whatever at my personal blog: tokiyaismine.tumblr.com


	18. Please, Don't Leave Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jean can only wish he'd kept his mouth shut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long D:::  
> i've been really busy
> 
> and im rlly sorry for this chapter

“I’m off to school!” I called out, shutting the door behind me before Mina could tell me anything.

I waited on the sidewalk in front of my house for a few minutes before Jean showed up, holding his phone in his hand. He looked up from the screen and smiled at me, putting the device in his pocket. “You’re out early,” he greeted.

“I didn’t want to wait inside doing nothing,” I said. I grabbed his hands in mine and walked backwards, pulling him along. “Do you remember what I told you last night?”

“You wanted to walk to school together?” Jean guessed. I let out huff of air and shook my head.

“I wanted to talk to you about something,” I corrected. Well, two somethings actually. But I have a feeling I’ll only be able to talk about one of them. I stopped walking and pulled Jean closer to me, inspecting his face without it being too noticeable. He’s still wearing makeup.

“Is there something wrong?” he asked. Well duh. It’s kind of the reason why I asked you to walk with me.

“Why are you wearing makeup?” Jean pulled his face away from mine and looked away, opening his mouth to speak, but closing it abruptly. “What happened to you?”

“It’s not a big deal,” he mumbled. “Some things happened and I got hurt. It’s nothing to worry about.”

“But it _is_ a big deal,” I countered. “I have as much of a right to know about your problems just as much as you do with mine. I don’t want to feel like the one who gets taken care of all the time. I want to keep you safe, too!” I had started shouting, and I knew it would take a lot to calm me down.

“You don’t need to be burdened with my issues, Armin,” Jean retorted. “I’m capable of dealing with them myself. You should only worry about yourself, alright?”

“Worry about myself?” I scoffed. “I stopped worrying a long time ago, Jean. And I think you know when I stopped giving a damn.” Stop it. Just shut your mouth, Armin. Quit talking and forget about it. “I don’t need to care anymore.”

“I just don’t want you to stress over more things than you already do,” he said, voice cracking in the process. Jean pressed his index finger into his chest and stared at me, blinking rapidly. “I’m supposed to be the one who takes care of you. I’m supposed to keep you _safe_.”

“I didn’t ask you to do that.” The words spewed from my mouth and I was unable to stop them. I didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean it at all. “Maybe you should deal with your problems before trying to solve mine.” I’m only making things worse. Why can’t I stop? I don’t believe anything coming from my mouth, and I know they aren’t true. I want Jean to take care of me, so why? Why can’t I just shut up?

“Maybe you didn’t tell me to, but it doesn’t mean I can’t do it.” Jean reached out to touch my shoulders, but I stepped back. It was at times like these that I was glad I lived in a secluded area.

“I don’t need to be babysat. I can handle myself fine. I don’t need any of this!” I turned to run and got a few feet away from him, but Jean pulled me back by my wrist and held me in place.

“Armin, don’t do this,” he cried out. “It doesn’t have to turn out this way. Let’s just work this out.” His grip was getting stronger, and truth be told, it hurt a little.

“Let go,” I ordered. “You’re hurting me.” Jean released my wrist from his grasp, and before he could do anything else, I ran. I ran from him, just like I did with all my other problems. How pathetic of me. How _pitiful._

Tears trailed down my cheeks and I kept running, trying to find a place to hide. A hiding place wasn’t a very easy place to find, though, so I went to find the second best thing.

Levi.

~ _ **Jean**_ ~

I fucked up. This happened because of me, and I can’t do anything to take it back. I should’ve just let him worry about it. I should’ve confided in him. But no, I decided to play the alpha and didn’t. Good job, Kirschtein.

I stared as the distance between Armin and I grew, unable to move. I was the one who hurt Armin. After talking so much about trying to protect him, look where that got me.

I wondered if I looked as bad as I felt as I trudged into first period that morning. We were supposed to be working on an assignment together in science, but that was the last thing on our minds as Marco nudged the end of his pencil at me.

“Come on,” he whined. “You can’t hide this from me forever. It’s better to let it all out.” He has a point. If I keep my emotions pent up like this, it’ll only make it harder to solve the problem at hand.

I sighed and rested my head on the desk, not even caring that the teacher would probably give me shit if I didn’t do the work. “We got in a fight,” I said. “I said some stupid shit and now he’s mad at me.”

Marco hummed and I heard a small “oh” before feeling his hand pat my head. “Have you thought of a way to solve it?” he asked. That was a big no. I only spent my time thinking of how much of a shitty person I was to actually think of ways to make up with him.

“Well not exactly,” I said. “But even if I had, I still wouldn’t know how to fix it. I said some pretty hurtful things.” Then again, I don’t think I would’ve wanted Armin to know what happened. I wouldn’t have wanted anyone to know, actually.

“Do you think you could tell me what happened? Maybe I could help you.” I would, but I don’t want Marco to know the cause of this. He can’t know.

I had been talking to Armin on the phone, and unfortunately for me, my dad was drunk out of his mind. Him being drunk was bad news for both me and my mother. He came into my room holding a beer bottle and threw it across the room, smashing it on the wall opposite of him. I only prayed Armin didn’t hear it, and thankfully, he didn’t.

That’s when my dad started throwing shoes, pens, books, and whatever else he could find. I hung up the phone and tried to stop my things from being thrown any more, and that’s when my father left the room and started saying shit to Mom.

Needless to say, things were said, stuff was broken, and I ended up on the receiving end. My dad knows he’s a bad drunk, so I still have no idea why he thought it was a good idea to get alcohol into his system in the first place.

“I don’t think I want to relive what happened, if that’s fine with you,” I muttered.

“Of course,” Marco said, being the nice bastard he is. “Just try to think of a way to solve the problem, okay? It’d suck if you two broke up over a fight.”

Yeah. It’d suck a lot.

-x-

I’d seen Armin in hallways once or twice, and no matter how many times I called out to him, he always ignored me. It was pretty sad watching him clutch his books to his chest, wanting nothing more than to get as far away from me as possible. But I guess I don’t blame him. Hell, even I’d run away from myself if I could.

I guess I’m not as perfect as everyone thinks I am.

_Armin, come back._

-x-

“Sorry, Marco, I gotta go!” I patted Marco’s back and ran as fast as I could, trying to catch up to where Armin was walking. However, it was a weird sight to see him walking with a short, blonde girl.

She placed her hand on his shoulder, and I couldn’t help but feel broken inside as I watched them walk together.

Had I already been replaced?

No, there’s no way. Armin isn’t like that. He’s probably just talking to an old friend, right?

I really hope it’s the latter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did I hear someone say cliffhanger? No? Well who cares.
> 
> as always, you can send me prompts at: kisalovesyou.tumblr.com  
> and find me at my personal: tokiyaismine.tumblr.com


	19. Goals And Apologies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Armin wants nothing more than to repair his relationship with his newly found boyfriend. He's even prepared to go to bigger measures to make that happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Idk I feel like this chapter sucks but whatever *shrugs*

“I’m going to take a shower!” I quickly locked the door and started the water, waiting for it to heat up.

I still feel really bad about what I’d said to Jean. He didn’t want me to pry into his business for my sake, and I wasn’t able to respect him or his wishes. I told him some really horrible things in my opinion.

_“I didn’t ask you to do that. Maybe you should deal with your problems before trying to solve mine.”_

I just said those things so I wouldn’t look stupid for not having an argument, but I wish I didn’t try to stir things up with him. I’d hurt Jean and he was just trying to keep me safe. I’m not sure what his problems have to do with me, but if he didn’t want to tell me, there must’ve been a reason. A reason I was too stupid to figure out.

I undressed myself and quickly put my clothes in the hamper, but not before I took a small blade out of one of the pockets.

Back to square one I guess.

And here I thought I made some progress.

I stepped into the shower, blade in hand, relishing in the feeling of the hot water running over my body. It felt good. It felt as if all my worries were washing away. Unfortunately for me, they weren’t, and I was stuck with all my pent up anxiety until I found some sort of solution that would take it all away.

I laughed to myself, realizing how stupid I was being. There’s no way for me to get rid of any of my emotions. I could only stall them temporarily and have them come back with the force of a hurricane.

I turned the blade in my hand, thinking about how easy it would be for me to end it right now. I could bleed out in the shower right now.

But what would Jean do?

Forget about Jean. I hurt him and he’s probably realizing how much of a horrible person I am. He’s probably thinking about how big of a mistake it was to waste his time on me.

Why am I wasting time, too?

I brought the silver weapon down to my arm, stopping millimeters away from my flesh. I don’t have to resort to this. I can do something else. I could take a walk outside or something. I shouldn’t have to rely on a stupid object to take my pain away.

But it doesn’t mean I don’t.

I swiped the edge of the blade against my arm, watching as the blood washed away with the water that trailed down my body. For something so repulsive, it made me feel calm. Watching myself slowly fade away, losing the liquid substance that’s supposed to keep me alive.

I hacked into my skin multiple times, watching as the crimson pool earned a pink tint and washed down the drain never to be seen again. How could something like that feel so serene? My vision blurred and I realized my tears were the cause, not the water. I’m a horrible person, both inside and out.

I hurt Jean, and possibly messed up our relationship forever. I only caused him trouble and ran away to hurt myself even more, and it sucks knowing he could do the same thing with everything he’s been through. But he didn’t. He _didn’t_ and that’s what upsets me the most. It just goes to show how incapable I am of taking care of myself. It shows how _weak_ and _pathetic_ I am.

_“I don’t need to be babysat. I can handle myself fine.”_

That might’ve been the biggest lie I’ve ever told.

I dropped the blade in my hand, letting it get stuck in the drain. I fell to the floor, clutching my bloodied arm to my chest, listening to my breathing become more ragged with each second that passed.

I can’t let things stay like this. I have to fix this. And the first thing I’m going to do is try to stop using those damned blades to take away my pain. If Jean wants me to rely on him, and if that’s what it’ll take to stay together, then I’m going to lean on him for as long as I need to.

I have to make things right between us as soon as possible.

I looked down and my eyes widened in horror. My arm was still bleeding, and I was starting to get dizzy either from blood loss or the steam from the shower. Whatever it was, I don’t think I want to risk passing out in the bathroom.

-x-

After cleaning up my arms and getting dressed, I called Levi to ask for a favor.

_”Armin, is something wrong?”_

“Ah, it’s nothing,” I assured. “I just wanted to ask you if you could come pick me up. There’s somewhere I want to go, if you don’t mind. I mean I could go tomorrow consider how late it—“

_”Where do you need to go?”_

“Uh, could you maybe take me to Jean’s house without him knowing?” This might be the tricky part. I don’t even think Levi knows where he lives.

_”I’ll be there in ten.”_

-x-

“Sorry for calling you out so late,” I mumbled. “I just didn’t think I should wait until tomorrow to do this.” I closed the door as soon as I was seated, putting my seatbelt on shortly after. Levi owned a black Lexus, and I’m still kind of surprised he didn’t own a motorcycle. He seemed like the kind of guy who would own one.

“Anything for you,” he smiled. Levi ruffled my hair and pulled out his phone, dialing someone’s number. He rolled his eyes after a few seconds of waiting and let out a huff of air when the person picked up. “About fucking time you answered… Who cares why I’m calling? I know I don’t… Yeah yeah, just calm down… Anyways, where do you live? I have a present I wanna give you.” So I’m a ‘present’ now? “It doesn’t matter what it is, and _no_ it can’t wait for tomorrow… I’m inpatient… Just tell me your fucking address, Kirschtein… Whatever; see you in a bit.” He put the phone in his jacket pocket and sighed, running his hand through his hair.

“Hey, Levi,” I said. “There’s something I want to tell you.” Levi’s face went from relaxed to concerned, and I could tell he was dreading what I would say next. “It’s nothing bad. If anything, it’s probably something you’d be happy with.” I looked down at the floorboard and smiled, thinking of the praise I would get if I was able to go through with this. “I’m going to try and stop harming myself. I want to get better, and I don’t want to rely on a blade to take my pain away.” I wasn’t kidding when I said I wanted to stop. If it would bring Jean and I closer together, I would do it. And now I know it’ll be worth it because of the smile on Levi’s face.

He stayed quiet for a few seconds and finally pulled me into a hug, practically choking me with how hard he was gripping my neck. “Do you really mean that, Armin? You’re not lying, are you?”

“Why would I lie about something like this?”

“Oh my fucking god,” he cursed. “I’m crying like a baby or some shit.” And as if on cue, I could feel a tear drop on the back of my neck. “You better not tell anyone I cried like this. I’ll rip your eyes out if you do.”

“Whatever you say,” I half-laughed half-sobbed. I’d never seen Levi this happy before. Well, maybe when he was with Eren, but that’s a different story. Ever since Eren left, Levi had never been like this. Instead of me causing him to worry, I finally made him smile like he used to.

After Levi calmed down, he drove me to Jean’s house. This probably shouldn’t have shocked me as much as it did, but his house was big. It was like twice the size of my house. It was huge, and it was two stories and had an attic from what I could tell. I waited towards the side of his house like I was told as Levi stood in front of the front door.

I heard the two talk before Levi said, “I put it on the side of the house,” a little louder than needed. It must’ve been because he wanted me to know when to get ready.

Jean walked towards me with his head down; probably unaware that I was the ‘present’ he was to receive. He rubbed the back of his neck and sighed, looking up at me and stopping in his tracks. He looked like he didn’t know what to say, so I decided to take the initiative.

“Jean, I’m sorry.” My voice cracked while I talked to him, and I really wished it didn’t. “I didn’t mean to be so cruel to you.” I took a step toward him and held out my arms, wanting nothing more than to hold him. “I didn’t mean anything I said, and I really hope you’ll forgive me. I understand if you don’t—“

Jean pulled me into a tight hug, causing me to make a hissing noise when he squeezed my arm. He didn’t seem to notice it, and that was something I was thankful for. “I’m sorry,” he muttered into my neck. “I’m so fucking sorry, Armin. I didn’t mean to upset you. I’m fucking sorry you have to put up with my dumbass self.”

If this weren’t such a serious moment, I would’ve found this side of him endearing. I wrapped my arms around him and let out a small yelp when I held him too tightly. And of course he noticed that.

He pulled away from me and held my hands, pulling my arms away from my body. He looked down at my forearm and back at me, to which I responded with a bite of my lip and a slight nod of my head. “Don’t tell me it was because of me,” he said in a half whisper. And of course my self destruction would be the thing to ruin the moment.

“No. No, it wasn’t.” I shook my head and pulled him closer to me, resting my head on his shoulder. “It was because I was angry. I was upset because of what I said to you, and I felt really bad. Don’t feel like this was your fault.”

“If I had just told you what—“

“Either way, it doesn’t matter whose fault it was. We could go back and forth about who caused it, and you know that,” I retorted. “It’s in the past. The only thing that matters now is what’s gonna happen between us.” He seemed to agree with me, considering how his expression seemed to look not as serious as before.

“Well obviously I’m not gonna let us break up,” Jean said very matter-of-factly. “Whether you like it or not, you’re gonna have to stick with me, _babe._ ” He put emphasis on the pet name and smiled at me, snaking his arms around my waist.

“You’re going to have to get used to my whining then, _babe_ ,” I laughed. This turned out better than expected. I had thought Jean would put up more of a fight, but it seems he wanted us to make up as much as I did.

“As much as I love the fact that you two are lovey-dovey; wait, actually I don’t. Whatever. I’m not letting Baby Arlert over here stay out after curfew.” I forgot Levi was my ride home, and I kind of forgot he was even here, to be honest. “Wrap it up and get your ass in the car,” Levi grumbled.

“I bet he doesn’t even have a fucking curfew, _Momma Levi_ ,” Jean called out.

“I’m both his mother and father and I don’t approve of my son having a boyfriend, so he's getting a curfew now,” Levi said, putting his hands on his hips. “I don’t approve of him getting any kind of _friend_.”

Jean turned us so Levi could see the sides of our bodies instead of just Jean’s back. He pulled me in for a kiss and I saw him stick his middle finger at Levi before I closed my eyes and smiled into the affection he was giving me.

“Fuck you, too, Kirschtein,” Levi yelled. “Take Blondie over here home, then, why don’t you?”

I pulled away from Jean and gave him a small smile. “I really should be getting home, actually,” I said, trying to make myself sound sweet. It’ll be easier to get away like that. “Sorry, Jean; I’ll see you at school tomorrow.”

“See you then,” Jean smiled. He let me go and I couldn’t help but smile as I walked toward the vehicle waiting for me. I managed to patch things up with Jean.

~ _**Jean**_ ~

I fixed things with Armin. _I fixed things with Armin_. I wasn’t the one who apologized first, but that was fine. Things turned out great in the end.

I couldn’t keep the smile off my face as I walked through the front door, trying not to be too loud. It was only about 9 o’clock, so it wasn’t like I was going to get in trouble even if I did make lots of noise.

“When were you planning to tell us?” Oh god. Of course I have to deal with my mom. Why wouldn’t I?

“Tell you what exactly?” I asked, rubbing the back of my neck. Mom sat on a black recliner in front of me while Dad was nowhere to be seen. Please let him be asleep.

“You know what I’m talking about,” she said. She must be talking about the thing I have with Armin. She knew about what I had with Marco before we broke up, so it’s not like she doesn’t know I’ve dated a guy before. She wasn’t even upset, and neither was my father.

“Oh, you mean _that_ ,” I groaned. It’s just that she makes a big deal out of everyone I go out with. She’s sometimes the reason I wasn’t able to stay with a girlfriend when I was younger. “I was gonna tell you about him, but I knew you were going to go crazy over it. _Oh, my baby Jean has a boyfriend! Oh my I better go tell my old lady friends! Why not throw a party while I’m at it?_ ” I probably went a little over the top with my impression of her.

“Jean Kirschtein I do not sound like that and you know it,” she scolded. “At least tell me the boy’s name, hm?”

I love my mom, I really do. I just hate how much she pries into my private life. I sighed and put my hands in my hair, pulling at the strands. “His name’s Armin, alright? Are you happy?” I asked, pulling my hands out of my hair and waving them around my head.

“Ecstatic,” she replied. “He’s a cute one. Why don’t we have him over for dinner one day?”

“Mom, no,” I pleaded. “How about we don’t have him over. Ever.”

“We’ll see about that,” she smirked. God my mom can be scary when she needs to be. She’s probably planning some sort of accident in her head to get Armin to come over. She’s done that with plenty of girls before, and she did it with Marco, too.

“Alright,” I said, giving in to her wishes. Damn that woman. “I’ll see what I can do, okay? But even if I manage to get him to come over, you have to promise you won’t embarrass me. And by promise, I mean swear it on your life.”

“Cross my heart hope to die, blah blah, needle eyes,” she said, waving me away with her hands. “Swear it and all that other junk.”

“I hate you, Mom.”

“Love you, too, Sweetie. Now go to bed.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really like Jean's mom okay.
> 
> Send me prompts at: kisalovesyou.tumblr.com  
> Find me at my personal blog: tokiyaismine.tumblr.com


	20. I'm Really Sorry

Okay guys, I'm really really sorry about this!!! I can't really continue to write for this, mostly because I'm never in the mood anymore, I don't have much time, and it seems to hit home more often that I'd like now... I really hope you're not angry, considering how I kept going on and on about how I was going to update.  
But, I will say that I might be writing a new fic so maybe look out for that if you still wanna read my fics.

You can go ahead and ask me about it and give me some ideas for it or just talk to me at marco-boot.tumblr.com

again, im really sorry /n\


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